There's no real easy or delicate way to say what I'm about to say. I've been putting off writing this particular post for weeks (maybe months) now--for various reasons--but mainly because its a very personal matter and I feel like there are just some things that shouldn't necessarily be put out there for the cyber world to debate. But, I feel like I've reached a point where I'm at peace in my own mind with what is happening and where I feel comfortable sharing with you. And I think it's only fair that I tell you, really, because how else could I ask you to read about and take an interest in my personal life if I wasn't willing to be honest with you about everything? I couldn't. So...here it is.
Zack and I are getting a divorce.
I promised myself before I started writing that I would be honest about what is happening but that I would remain respectful of his and our privacy, so I'm afraid if you're looking for juicy details you'll be disappointed. The things that transpired to lead us to this place are between he and I...and that's it. And really, at his point, do they even matter? The answer is no. They don't. It's all water under the bridge now and to bring them up over and over, to rehash them for you in order to prove my point, will do nothing but serve to make me a bitter and haggard girl who gets stuck living in the past. And that's just not who I am.
What I will say is that we are two very different people who came to realize that we had two vastly different ideas about what a marriage was supposed to be. I don't think that makes either of us bad people and I don't think it even makes either of us "wrong" per se...it just means that we are two people who discovered that we're not capable of making this thing work with each other. And if there's one thing I learned about marriage in the past six months its that IT IS A LOT OF HARD WORK. Marriage is hard, every single day, and if both partners are not fully 100% committed to each other and to the relationship, it just won't ever be what it should.
To say that the past few months have been a bit emotional would be like saying "the Saints had a pretty good season this year." Understatement of the decade right there. The past few months have been nothing short of hellish and looking back, I honestly don't know how I got through them. Had it not been for the grace of God and the absolutely amazing people in my life, I don't know where I would be right now to be honest. This has been a painful, heartbreaking, grueling process to be sure, and one that I would never wish on anyone. Standing on the other side of it though, I can say with absolute certainty that this is something that was ultimately bound to happen to us sooner or later and that, painful as it was, was undoubtedly for the best. Do I still care for Zack? Absolutely I do, and likely some small part of me always will. But what I see now is that ours was not a relationship that was safe or healthy for me and had things not ended when they did, I don't know what would have happened.
As I sit writing this and reflecting on the turns my life has taken in the past little bit, I realize that there are those out there who will judge me--harshly--for what I'm doing. I'd imagine there will be people who I once considered close friends who will be appalled that I would even consider divorce an option. There will be those who will say I should have tried harder, should have done something differently, should have stuck it out no matter what. To anyone who has the nerve to look me in the eye and judge me (or worse yet, do it behind my back), just know this. I don't care. I don't care what you think, I don't care what your opinion on this matter is and I don't care what you think of me. You haven't walked in my shoes. You do not know the situation, you do not know what I have been through and you do not have any right to condemn me for how I have chosen to handle things.
Am I sad that my marraige didn't work? Heartbroken. Is this what I wanted? Not in a million years. Do I feel like I've failed? Yeah, in some ways I do. No one goes into a marriage hoping it doesn't work. But you know what? I refuse to hang my head and be ashamed of getting a divorce. It sounds like such a dirty word, and it is, but I've come to believe that sometimes you just don't have any other option. And if you'll judge me for that then you are likely not someone I need or want in my life anyway.
For anyone reading this who may be concerned about me; please don't be. I'm fine. Actually, I'm better than fine. I'm amazing. I'm great. For the first time in a very long time I feel like myself again, and that is a wonderful thing indeed. I'm content and at peace with what has happened, I'm very happy about the new direction my life seems to be heading and I'm excited about whatever may lie ahead for me. For the time being I plan to stay in New Olreans; I like my job and I feel like there is still some reason for me to be here. It's a little tough to have to start all over again from scratch but well, I'm not scared.