All In

It is human nature, I think, to learn from our past mistakes. Not always, granted, and sometimes it takes making the same mistake several times in a row before some of us get it through our fat heads not to do that again...but on the whole I think we are programmed to pick up pretty quickly on what feels good and what hurts, what to do, what not to do, and the consequences of our actions.

So, I consider myself to be a pretty quick learner. Actually, I'd say its one of my greatest strengths. I have very few real world skills to be honest. I'm not an expert on anything and for the most part, don't even know how to do that many things well. But if someone teaches me, I can learn. My one caveat to this is with relationships. I think perhaps I kind of suck at relationships. I've come to this realization over the past few months and while enlightening, I'm still very torn about how I feel about it.

I feel most people who come out of a failed relationship (especially relationships that fail in epic proportions like my past one) are probably a bit hesitant to jump into a new one. And rightly so, I'd say. There's that whole "I've been burned once, I don't want to let it happen again," thing to think about, plus let's just be honest--breaking up SUCKS. It's emotionally and mentally draining and unless you're a complete sociopath with no feelings at all, it takes time to heal from that. I should know. I've been dealing with this recently actually, and I've heard from everyone I know that I need to take things slow, I need to "guard my heart," "look out for myself," and "take care of me and not worry about anyone else right now."

All very wise advice. Aaaaaand I completely suck at following it.

As much as I'd like to be able to meet and date people casually, without developing any real feelings for them, I realize I cannot do it. I've tried, and I just can't. And truthfully, I don't see the point. I've decided that the only way to love people is to love them completely. If you're not willing to dive in head first, to take a chance, to risk getting hurt again (and again and again and again), then there's no point in doing it at all. I think love is crazy and messy and you know what? I may get hurt a hundred times before this whole thing is said and done (and by whole thing I mean my life), but that's ok. I'd rather look back and know that when it came to other people, I gave them everything I had to give. I didn't hold anything back and I loved them as completely as I knew how. And if I get burned, so help me, I'll laugh at myself for being an idiot. But at least I'll never miss out on something fabulous because I was too afraid to try.