Under Construction

Gold

2011-05-04T21:00:00.002-05:00

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

I paited this picture last year when things were really bad, right before Zack and I separated. Tonight I went back in and filled the cracks in the cup with gold.

Pity Party, Table for One

2011-02-12T17:18:00.001-06:00

My parents always taught me that when you start to feel really bad about yourself--when you're sad or lonely or mad or ungrateful...that's the best time to go and do something for someone else. Because as bad as you think you've got it, there is always going to be someone out there who is going through something even harder than whatever it is you think is so wrong in your life. And they are right.

That said, if you ever want to host a pity party for yourself, call me. Seriously. I may be the world's expert on feeling sorry for yourself at this point and can give you the hook up; I'll let you in on all the tricks of the trade. I've been having one for myself for the past year or so now, I'm I've gotten really, really good at it.

That's the truth, people.

I moved out one year ago this month and since that time I've done more crying and wallowing and reminiscing and obsessing and pitying than I care to admit. And yeah, its probably normal and part of the healing process...blah blah blah--I get that and I'm thankful that I had supportive family and friends who put up with it...but frankly, I'm also getting really sick of it. I'm sick of myself, and I'm sick of feeling sad and lonely and lost most of the time. Because for the past year that's what I've spent the majority of my time feeling and you know what? It's not really any fun at all and furthermore, what purpose is it serving? It's not. I think it was for awhile because its normal and healthy to grieve. But there also comes a point where you just have to look at yourself and say, "Self, yeah that was bad but you lived through it and its time to put your big girl pants on and move forward."

When I moved to the Republic of Texas I looked at it as a bit of a second chance. A fresh start and a clean slate. New job, new house, new city, new car, new people, new relationships, etc. I made myself a couple of promises too. Not New Year's resoluations per se, but just things that I really wanted to make happen in my life, because I thought they they were good things and they were important to me. One of the main ones was that I really want to do more for other people. I want to spend my time and my money in ways that will benefit someone else, or will help promote some good, somewhere. For the past year I've spent all of my time and money very selfishly; I spent it on things that made me feel good right then. I used my resources like drugs. I needed a quick fix--new shoes, getting my nails done, going out to dinner for no reason--every time I started to feel the least little bit down, because those things gave me a momentary high and kept me from having to think too much about or feel too much of the hard stuff. Because, you know, God forbid I experience even a moment of discomfort. I mean, yeah I'm devastated about the divorce and then the following breakups, I hate my job and I'm really, really lonely...but have you seen my new shoes?

So yes, in the past couple months I've been trying really dilligently to not continue living that way.

This morning I got up (which is, in and of itself a blessing because how many people did not wake up this morning at all?), got out of my queen-sized cherry-wood sleigh bed with a pillow-top mattress and used my own personal bathroom with running water and indoor plumbing. I went to the kitchen where I had a pantry full of cereal options, then came to check my e-mail on my fancy-smanzy laptop. I did a l oad of laundry in my own washer and dryer then got dressed and went out to my plush brand new Jeep complete with leather interior and heated seats.

Then I drove downtown to the Beacon Outreach Center, where I helped served lunch to approximately 700 homeless people.

After that, you know what I did? I got back in my fancy ride and drove back over to the "nice" part of town, to my ridiculously over-priced apartment. I grabbed Lucy Sparkle and took her to be"groomed," because I am fortunate enough to be able to aford to spend more on getting my dog's hair cut than some people will make in a week.

I'm not telling you this to brag about what I have, I promise. I am so fortunate and have been so blessed in so many areas of my life I have no right to ever complain or be ungrateful. I tell you this because I've started to realize that perhaps my biggest failure in the past year is not that I shed more tears than I wanted to, or let myself get caught up in self-pity, or repeated bad relationship habits over and over again; I think those things are all normal and to some extent were to be expected. But the one thing I am very guilty of and feel most disgusted with myself about is the fact that I've spent the past year focusing on the one or two things in my life that I didn't have, instead of being thankful for the thousands upon thousands of blessings that are staring my in the face every single day.

I've been serving meals for the past few weekends and every time I go, I am reminded again just how amazing my life really is. I've spent the past six months beating myself up and bemoaning the fact that one stupid boy (in a world of six billion people) doesn't worship the ground I walk on when there are people out there dealing with real problems. I feel like I need someone to hit me in the face and say, "You think you've got it so rough? At least you have both legs and both arms. At least you have a place to come home to each night. You have a job and a house and a bed to sleep in. You have a family who loves you and the best friends anyone could ask for."

So there you have it. The truth is that instead of being thankful I have been selfish and depressed and whiny. Shame on me.

The Edge

2011-01-23T09:40:00.000-06:00

"Come to the edge."
"We can't, we're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't, we might fall."
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

--

Guillaume Apollinaire

My Second Home Afterall

2011-01-19T20:41:00.004-06:00

"How lucky I am to have found something that makes saying good-bye so hard."

I moved to New Orleans ~~grudgingly~~ kicking and screaming. No, for real. The night before we moved down here two summers ago I literally fell apart and had one of those hysterical crying outbursts that come from months of pent up emotion finally getting out. Embarrassing really...glad no one actually saw it. I was scared to move to New Orleans frankly, and I did not want to go. At that point had I been given the choice between moving to the Big Easy and cutting off a limb, I would have gladly opted for amputation because God knows I was just going to move down there and get raped and mugged and killed. You think I'm exaggerating and being dramatic but y'all, I did not want any part of anything that city had to offer.

In hindsight I don't even remember specifically what it was I was so afraid of. Maybe it was just a fear of the unknown, and a fear of moving to a place that was so vastly different from everything I had ever known before, I dunno. Whatever it was, I am ashamed of myself for those feelings now because in the year and a half I spent there, I came to love that dysfunctional little sweatbox like you wouldn't believe. I swore that I would never let myself feel totally comfortable in NOLA, and that I'd eat dirt and die before I called it "home," but by golly...I'm starting to think that despite my best efforts, I failed miserably at both. I left when I did because I knew that for this time in my life I had to go. I know I made the right choice for right now. But man do I miss it. Maybe it's not my forever home and I know that for lots of reasons it can't be my right now home, but for the rest of my life I think I'm always going to have a place in my heart for New Orleans and if one day it ends up that I'm supposed to go back there, well, I do believe that'd be just fine with me.

All the girls with Jack from Jacques-Imo's, right before we drug him out into the street for a group hug.

I love these people.

Jonnie Chonga and I with the gold girls at the Bye Bye Hurricane Season Party. I still do not understand the significance of the gold body paint...but whatever.

My last few weeks in town are really a blur of insanity and exhaustion and fun and tears and some of the best memories of my life. I made a list of the things I wanted to do before I left town, the places I wanted to go and the restaurants at which I wanted to eat one last time and I accomplished just about all of them. I made it my goal to enjoy every single day and to make the most of the time I had left there; to do my best to really appreciate New Orleans for all that it is. Where else but NOLA could I have gone to a "Bye Bye Hurricane Season" party to help raise money to fund public evacuation for those who cannot afford to leave the city on their own? I'm telling you, this city will take any excuse to throw a party and run with it. I actually got onstage and sang karaoke at another fund-raiser (and let me make it very clear that I never, ever sing on-stage. Ever) because...why not? I may never have an opportunity like that again and I wanted to make the most of it. I helped plan and host one of the best triple birthday parties in the history of creation. I, along with some of my very best friends, went to dinner together on one of my last evenings in town and not only did we meet the head chef (who is famous in his own right there) but we took him outside and cinnamon roll hugged him in the street. That's right people--we cinnamon roll hugged Jack, of Jacques-Imo's fame! I'm pretty sure that makes me one of the five coolest people I know now. I laid on the living room floor and stared up at the Christmas tree with the girls who are now like my family and talked about life and love and the future. We laid there for hours, literally, staring up at that tree and talking. We laughed and we cried and we promised ourselves that no matter what, we'll never forget the moments like this. And we won't.

I am, in fact, alive

2011-01-19T20:21:00.000-06:00

I live!!!!!

And by that I mean, I am alive!

Not that you'd know it based on anything I've written recently since it's been, what, like almost two months now? I know, I know, I pretty much just disappeared off the face of the earth. I apologize, but I've been a little busy ok? Gah. Get off my back, yo. I kid.

What have I been busy doing? Well...what haven't I been busy doing is probably a better question. Basically, if you take what my life looked like this time three months ago and compare it to now, NOTHING is the same. Well maybe a few things, but there have been some big time changes, lemme tell ya. New job, new car, new apartment, new city, new friends, still working on a new church, new routines...you get the idea. I moved to Houston right after Christmas and started my new job on January 3. I haven't written about any of that yet because its one of those things that has been so overwhelming that I didn't really know where to start. Nor did I have time to sit down and write it all out for that matter. But now that the dust is finally settling, I'm finally starting to find a bit of a routine again, maybe I will be able to write once in awhile. That's the goal anyway...we'll see how it goes.

So...if I were going to give you a recap of the past couple months, where would be the best place to start? And don't say, "At the beginning," because I don't even really know where the beginning is anymore. I guess I ought to back it up and tell you about my last couple weeks in New Orleans because oh what a time it was...

Get it Together, L$

2010-12-13T12:31:00.000-06:00

I think its about time for me to put my big girl pants on and deal. It's time for me to suck it up, get my game face on, and get ready to start the next big adventure of my life. I'm excited. I really am. But...I'm also a wee little bit scared.

(And by wee little bit scared what I mean is, I'm darn close to being too paralyzed with fear to get out of bed in the morning). Shhhh...

This is my last week at work which is both bittersweet and surreal. Can't even believe it. There have been days that seemed to last for three years and times when I was banging my head against the wall out of boredom and frustration, but by and large, the past year and a half has flown by. I don't even know that it has entirely sunk into my little brain yet that I really and truly am going to leave this place.

The past two weeks or so have been a freakin' emotional roller coaster for me (ok who am I kidding...that statement really applies to the past two years of my life, if we're being honest here). I alternate between being super excited about the new job/new city/adventureness of it all, being petrified to the point of asking myself if I'm sure I'm making the right decision and just wanting to hide under my bed until June, and being sad to leave such good people, yet resigned to do this thing. Am I a wreck or what? (The correct answer is yes, yes I am).

I think what it all comes down to is that this is just a really big change. Maybe the biggest life change I have experienced to date even, (I'll get back to you on that) but a change for sure. At this point I think I dont even know for sure if this is a good change, or the right change, a temporary change or a permanent one...at this point it's still just change. And change is scary.

All I really know for sure at this point is that I am finally moving. Both literally and figuratively. I hope I'm moving forward but even if I'm not, at least I'm no longer standing still either. I'm sad to leave my friends here, but I know that I can't stay and keep doing what I've been doing (on a number of levels), so its time for me to go. What it ultimately comes down to is that I've finally started to realize that there's sometimes a difference between what I want and what is right. Staying in NOLA would be easy now. I have friends, I know my way around as well as anyone, I've got a job, etc. It's comfortable and its easy. Even when I'm bored out of my mind at work there's a comfort to having a routine, to seeing the same people every day, and to the relationships I've developed here. But that doesn't make any of it right. I have too much yet to do with my life that I know I cannot accomplish from where I am right now. I see so many people who seem to me as though they have essentially given up; they'd rather stay in a situation, even when its bad, because they're too afraid to risk the discomfort of change. I don't ever want to be that. I hope I never reach a point where I let fear be the determining factor in what I choose for myself.

So...I'm going. It wont be easy at all, and between now and then I'd imagine I'll shed no small number of tears for all that I'm leaving here. I'm going knowing that there will definitely be tough days ahead, probably days when I feel lonely, days when I'm scared, and days when I really do just want to come running back to the feeling of security I have finally started to develop in NOLA. But I also know I can't do that. And I won't. I know that tough as it may be, this is what I have to do right now.

Sometimes technology, I really hate you

2010-12-10T15:06:00.000-06:00

No, really. I'll be the first to admit that my phone is more like another bodily appendage than a piece of hardware and that I'm not sure how I would function without the internet and my ipod and my blackberry. Seriously, I'm so dependant at this point that I'd probably just curl up in a corner and die without them. That said, some days I kinda just want to throw the stupid phone at the wall and never look back.

So the other day, everything I own decided to break at the same time. Bless her heart, I think my poor jeep is on its last leg and I'm just crossing my fingers that she'll last a little while longer until I can buy a new vehicle. The battery died on me this past week, so I had AAA come to my office to jump start the engine (in the parking garage, mind you). The guy was cool and offered to clean my battery connectors for me, since apparently they were in "God awful shape," and being one to never pass up a free offer, I agreed to let him. It went well until he was trying to put them back on and tighten them and one snapped apart in his hands. Fantastic. So then I got to go on an adventure with the AAA guy to buy new connectors. I guess its not all bad--if they were in that bad of shape they probably just needed to be replaced anyway.

Well, while all of this is going on (because nothing says "fun afternoon" like being stranded with a dead car and also a cell phone that doesn't work), my cell phone decides to spontaneuously combust. And by combust I mean die. It froze up and the only button that would work at all was the "T" which isn't horribly helpful, you know? So after I finally got the jeep running agin, I then got to drive out to the AT&T service store and wait around for an hour for them to determine that the refurbished phone they gave me three weeks ago when I was there for the same problem, was in fact broken beyond repair. I am now on my 3rd phone.

Last but not least, the heater in my apartment went out yesterday while I was at work. Guess who slept in sweat pants, under armour and wool socks last night...?

Crossing the Line

2010-12-09T16:15:00.002-06:00

I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line. Like what? I said. She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to me. Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I cross my line & I haven't come up with anything either. There's always another line somewhere.

(Forwarded to me from my dear friend Jonnie. I can't take credit for this. I'm not even entirely sure I understand it yet...but I like it).

Only In New Orleans, Baby

2010-12-07T08:51:00.001-06:00

On my flight home to Kentucky last week for Thanksgiving, I ended up sitting next to (what turned out to be) a very, very strange woman. She was nice enough, but--and I say this with all the love in the world...sorta--it was a solid reminder that there are all kinds of people out there and some of them are just nutcases. Straight up "I'm-on-a-day-pass-from-the-asylum crazy. No two ways about it. Anywho, she was asking me all about New Orleans; has it come back since Katrina? How much of the media coverage was accurate? What's it really like to live here? In talking to her I really started to think about this city that has become my adopted home and as such, have decided to make a list, to pay tribute if you will, to all of the wonderful, unique and frankly really weird things about this place. Here goes:

Only in New Orleans is "I got caught in a second line" a totally valid and legit excuse for being late to work. (Yes, this really happens).

Only in New Orleans can you attend the Annual National Pirate Convention each April. (Though let it be noted that it is still completely acceptable to dress in full pirate garb year round. We do not limit this priviledge to just one weekend per year).

Only in New Orleans can I see a woman out for her daily jog at 9:30 on a Sunday morning carrying a beer in one hand and a bag of potato chips in the other. I mean, maybe she needed a snack along the way?

Only in New Orleans can one eat beignets and drink cafe au lait at 4:00 a.m. after a night of debauchery in the French Quarter.

Only in New Orleans does the entire city shut down for the better part of two weeks to party for Mardi Gras.

Only in New Orleans is a complete stranger "Honey" or "Baby" or "My Love." Oh and--shaking hands? Yeah I haven't done that since I've lived here. It's a foreign concept to these people. In New Orleans you greet people with a hug and a kiss, always. It kinda freaked me out at first, not gonna lie, but now when I meet people and they only want to shake my hand I'm mildly offended.

Only in New Orleans did I literally jar my car battery loose over the course of normal, everyday driving on the streets here. How sad is that?

Only in New Orleans can yer mom an' dem go make groceries.

Only in New Orleans is, "Who dat?" followed by "Who dat!" a complete conversation.

Only in New Orleans have I had some of the most incredible experiences of my life. Maybe it hasn't all been sunshine and rainbows for me here, but I'm gonna miss this place.

Remember that time I wasn't thankful enough for what I had?

2010-11-16T15:26:00.002-06:00

Since Thanksgiving is next week (holy fast-year Batman, where have the past 11 months gone?) this is an appropriate post I think.

Having accepted this new job has really given me a fresh perspective on my current job. Funny how a bad situation suddenly seems soooo much less overwhelming when you know you finally have an out, huh? And honestly, "bad situation" is a bit harsh, and probably pretty unfair...that's my point in all of this.

Over the past few months I've grown increasingly um...frustrated with my job. I knew when I took it that I was over-qualified and likely would not have the level of mental stimulation that I hoped for, but desperate times call for desperate measures and a girl's gotta eat and pay her bills, so I took it. And let's be honest--it's not like people were exactly banging down the door to hire me last summer either. Thanks, recession. So even though I sort of knew what I was getting myself into, I've had no shortage of complaints about how bored I was, how frustrated I was, how ready to jump off the roof of the hospital I was, over the past few months. And now I feel sorta guilty about that.

It's weird. Now that I know my time here is coming to an end, I realize how thankful I should be for the job I have. As far as first jobs go, this really wasn't a bad one at all. My boss has been nice to me, by and large I've enjoyed the people I've worked with and I've learned a lot. Maybe it wasn't the high-level, analytical job I thought I'd have, and certainly i wasn't getting paid what vain-Lauren thinks she's worth, but that doesn't mean the past year has been a waste. Far from it. And if nothing else, if the only thing I take away from this job is the knowledge that I'm not too good to do anything and that even the lowest man on the proverbial totem pole can teach me something...then I'd say those are lessons I'd be well served to remember forever.

I really do feel guilty for being so ungrateful. Maybe this isn't my dream job, but you know, at least I have a job--so many people out there aren't so fortunate. And yeah, maybe I'm not making tons of money but I'm making plenty to survive and far more than many people will ever make. I've met people through this job who have, quite literally changed my life (in both positive and negative ways probably, but nonetheless, they've helped shape who I am and am becoming). I've seen enough to have at least a little bit better idea of what I want, and don't want in a career and I've gotten a taste of the satisfaction I feel when I'm succeeding and doing well at something.

And those are all things I should be thankful for.

Maybe It's Time to Go

2010-11-11T20:36:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting on my couch with Lucy Sparkle. I'm listening to hymns (yes hymns) on youtube. And I'm thinking. I have a lot to think about these days and I've found that there's no one better to soul search with than my dog and Jesus, so that's what I'm doing.

I'm thinking about the past year or so of my life; the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, all the lessons I've learned and all that I still have to be thankful for. I'm thinking about how I wouldn't wish the last year of my life on even my worst enemy, but how thankful I am for the the experiences I've lived through (even the bad ones) because I think I'm a better person than I was this time last year in a lot of ways.

I've learned what it means to really mourn a loss and to survive the grieving process. And it really and truly is a process. I think when I moved out in February I thought that I'd be sad and angry and hurt for awhile but that probably I'd just wake up one morning and be fine. As though a switch was flipped somewhere while I slept and the way I felt yesterday would be gone forever. Silly me. It doesn't work that way at all. The truth is that there have been some days where my job was the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. There have been days when the emotional pain was so palpable that not only did I feel physically ill, but I would have sworn that my heart was indeed breaking into pieces in my chest. There have been nights that I've soaked my pillow with tears from crying myself to sleep, and then woken up with my eyes almost dried shut but still crying. You'd think the human body would reach a point where it would just run out of tears...but it doesn't. Or at least mine hasn't. There have been times when I I've cried myself out and I start to think that maybe, finally, I've gotten all the hurt out and that I'll never shed another tear as long as I live because I've used all mine up. But the real truth is that even now, almost a year later, there are still days from time to time where the hurt just hits me out of no where and before I know it, for no good reason at all, I'm huddled in a corner in my house sobbing my eyes out. These days don't happen as often as they did in the beginning, thank God, but that's what they mean by it being a process. The hurt doesn't just end one day. You don't wake up one morning ready to just put the past behind you and never look back. You just gradually move on with your life, one step at a time, until eventually there are more happy days than sad, more laughing than crying, more looking forward with hope than looking back with despair and you can finally start to believe that yes, this too shall pass and life will go on and you will be ok.

In this past year I've learned what it means to be a friend, a real friend, and to love people unconditionally; not because of what they do for you, or what they give you, or even (some days) how they treat you but rather just because of who they are. I've learned that there is good and bad in all of us and that my job is not to judge that, or try to fix that, but just to accept everyone I meet for who they are and do my best to be as good to them as I can be while I have the chance. I've learned that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just to be there. Not to try to fix anything, not to even pretend to understand, but just to sit down quite literally in the middle of the floor and cry while they cry and say, "You know what, this really sucks and I am sorry. I can't do anything to make it better but I am here and I'm not going anywhere." I am lucky enough to have friends like that.

In the past year I have learned that sometimes, no matter how much or how loudly I scream at God, things just aren't going to happen the way I think they should. And on that note, I think it's ok sometimes to get mad at God you know? And even to tell Him that we're mad at Him, because we're human and we don't have the capacity to even begin to comprehend His bigger plan. I think He realizes that, and loves and forgives us even when we doubt.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking and now a lot of rambling, because I've had a huge decision fall into my lap that had to be made and I've spent no small amount of time trying to be sure that I did the right thing. I've been dissatisfied with my job for awhile now, for a lot of reasons that I won't go into, but enough so that it has started to bleed over and make me miserable in my daily life even outside the office. I'm thankful to have a job, believe me, but it would be nice to get some sort of pleasure and satisfaction out of what I do. I mean, I don't think I'm asking for too much here.

This has all happened extremely quickly (and I'll spare you all the details) but the bottom line is that I was offered a new job last week. From the sounds of things its a great opportunity. It's going to be a huge step up for me, both in pay and responsibility and its with a company that has tons of room for me to grow and move up quickly. And the best part? They want me. They seem to see potential for big things, and they're willing to take a chance, to pay me probably far more than what I'm really worth at this point, and give me the opportunity to really push myself for the first time in, well, maybe ever. This job though? It's in Houston. As in, Texas. As in "too small to be its own country, too big to be an insane asylum, Texas.

So even though my current job doesn't in any way "do it" for me, and even though New Orleans was just about the last place on the face of the earth that I wanted to be this time last year, and even though I hate the climate here and have had just some miserable experiences and should have every reason in the world to want to get the heck out of dodge...I don't. I don't feel that way at all. Despite everything, I've come to love this dysfunctional little sweatbox and leaving isn't going to be nearly as easy as you might think. I have amazing friends here, an amazing church, and I've come to feel very comfortable and almost at home in NOLA. Almost.

But.

I have to go. I've thought about it a lot and I know that I'm making the right choice. As much as I do like it here now, I know that this isn't where I'm supposed to end up. It's not even where I want to end up and the longer I stay, the more i fear ending up in a rut and never being able to escape. Because I've learned that just because something's comfortable, or easy, that doesn't make it right. And New Orleans is great, but its not right for me. I think that it was right for a time; I think that maybe there's no better place in the whole world to mourn than this broken city. They say that misery loves company and I think that the people here, even though you might never see it on the surface, lost something in Katrina that they never got back. I don't know how to explain it really, other than to say that if you need to grieve, and you need to mourn and frankly just sort of lose yourself for a little while, this is the place to do it. Even the happiness here is tinged by loss and while there is a comfort in that, I'm not ready to give up on all the good in life just yet.

I did that, grieved and mourned and let myself get caught up in the city a little bit for no reason other than to numb the pain, and I don't regret it. Truthfully, I know I have lost a little bit of myself in the past year and I think I'm finally ready to get it back. I'm ready to be me again, to feel whole and happy and content, and I just don't think I can do that here. I'm not sure I like everything about the person I see myself becoming if I stay in New Orleans, and I don't want to take that chance. I don't know if the Republic of Texas will be my forever home either, but I do think this is the best thing I could be doing for myself at this point in my life and for now, that is enough.

He Knows My Name

2010-11-05T20:52:00.002-05:00

I have a maker
He formed my heart,
before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

I have a father,
he calls me his own
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call.

The Next Big Thing

2010-10-21T12:11:00.002-05:00

I think I'm in a rut. Or a slump. Or maybe just a really bad mood that has now lasted for several days. Whatever it is, I know the cause of it but it still makes me mad at myself for letting it get to me when I have so much else going on that I ought to be thankful for.

I realized the other day that for the first time in quite possibly my entire life I'm not working towards something big. I'm not preparing for the "next big thing." I don't have a goal in mind that I'm focused on achieving. For the first time, maybe ever, I'm just sort of living. Surviving. Existing from one day to the next. Growing up there was always something I was working towards--the next grade level up...moving from middle school to high school...getting my driver's license...applying to college...going to college. Then it was finishing college...finishing graduate school...getting married...finding a job...moving. For the most part I've always been so busy looking ahead that I never had time to sit back and think much about the day to dayness of it all.

Then I take a look at my life right now and I realize I'm in a dead-end job that's going nowhere, I'm not in any type of relationship (serious and committed or otherwise) that is moving in any type of direction, I don't even have anything big that I'm working on in my personal life outside of work. I mean, I'm having fun and I'm not unhappy per se, but I don't feel much sense of purpose or direction right now, and frankly, that makes me sad. Sad and frustrated actually, because I like having a plan and a goal and something to look forward to. (And for the record, I'm not complaining about this, or looking for sympathy at all. I'm mostly just reflecting).

So I brought this up at family dinner night last night so that I could take advantage of the wisdom of some of my wonderful friends. I told them about this feeling I have of just existing right now. Of living day to day and of not having something big going on to look forward to. We talked about it a lot. We talked about what it means to be content vs. settling for less. We talked about what it means to be patient, and to trust that there is a bigger plan. We talked about how frustrating it is when it feels as though nothing is going your way, but how ultimately, things always tend to work themselves out for the best in the end.

I thought a lot about what they said and I started to ask myself, what's so wrong with just living life day to day sometimes? What's wrong with surviving? What is so bad about not always having something big coming up, not always having "the next big thing" on the horizon? My friend Amy pointed out that in America, we have come to expect to always be comfortable, to always be happy and to always be content. We are so averse to any type of discomfort, anything that we find the least little bit unpleasant, that we end up basically wishing our lives away by looking for the next big thing to come along. We get so focused on what we need to attain somewhere down the road in order to make us happy, that we completely miss out on the happiness that comes just from being alive and living every day. That's pretty humbling for me because I know I am very guilty of it.

Amy also pointed out that sometimes its GOOD to not have something we have to be working towards, because that gives us the opportunity to take our time and pick something that really matters to us, something that we choose to focus on, as opposed to things that we do just because they seem like the natural next step.

So! I made myself a goal that I'm going to do my darndest to stick to (which should be easy since I don't exactly have a lot else vying for my attention these days). My goal is to do my best to live in the here and now. I want to get to a point where I can be content, if not happy, about my current situation and circumstances. No, this isn't what I want forever and I'm still doing everything I can to search for new jobs and that sort of thing, but until the "next big thing" comes along, I want to be able to find some joy in every day. I don't want to wish my life away waiting for whatever comes next and end up missing out on all the good of right now.

Your Butt's on Fire!!!

2010-10-19T11:21:00.005-05:00

That's really more of an inside joke than anything else, so for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, no worries. It isn't relevant to this post at all, just a suggestion one of my friends came up with for what we'll name our racehorse should we ever have one...I just think its HIL-ARIOUS.

Anyhorse, I just had the most fantastic weekend EVER. No, really. Ever. Maybe in the whole history of creation. It was that good.

I've been wanting to do this for a long time but this weekend I was finally able to take several of my friends home to Kentucky. We rented a mini-van, (because we're just that cool) and roadtripped it all the way up to the Bluegrass for a long weekend. Oh. My. Gosh. I can't tell you the last time I've laughed so much or had so much fun, much less been surrounded by such amazing, beautiful, talented girls.

It was the first time in Kentucky for all of them, so I really wanted to not only show them my home and where I grew up, but do whatever I could to give them the ultimate "Kentucky" experience. (Mostly cause I'm a biased snob who is thoroughly convinced there's no greater place in all the world. You can try to tell me differently but well, you're wrong). Holy Hotbrown Batman, we did so many fun things! We did Keeneland. We did a leg of the bourbon trail. We tailgated for the UK football game and stood on the old center court at Rupp Arena. We walked through Triangle Park at dusk, drove through "horse country" in Versailles and Lexington, and ate burgers at my favorite place in the world--Shamrock's. We drove down the Mountain Parkway to Jackson and spent the rest of the weekend riding horses, going to the church I grew up in, and going out on an old strip mine. We gorged ourselves on homemade chili and fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits, then sat out under the stars and made s'mores around a bonfire. The girls got to see my highschool, meet my parents, sister, grandmother and cousin, and tour UK's campus where I spent five of the best years of my life to date.

Out of all that you know what the best part of the weekend was for me? Aside from just being at home in general, it was the opportunity to share my home with some of the people I've come to be the closest to. It was a chance to finally merge my old life and my new life together; to take a step back and say "This is where I came from, and this is where I am now, and maybe the two don't have to be so far apart at all."

Family Dinner Night

2010-10-12T15:39:00.004-05:00

I think one of the things I miss most about being in a relationship and/or living at home is the sharing of meals. When you spend the first 23 and 1/2 years of your life eating most of your meals with other people...the act of eating alone can feel awfully lonely. I hate that feeling. Loathe it, actually, to the point of refusing to fix food for myself when I'm alone. I love to cook, and I love to sit down to a really good dinner every night, but when it's just me I'm 9 time out of 10 just gonna rock a bowl of cereal hardcore.

So a few weeks ago I was talking to some of my friends who all agreed that its much more fun to eat dinner together than alone, but the fact that going out to eat can get a wee bit pricey after awhile...even here in NOLA where you can find good food for cheapy, kinda sorta puts a damper on it. All of a sudden, it dawned on me--just because I'm 1000 miles away from my family and no longer married, doesn't mean there aren't people out there I could eat with. I have fantastic friends who I LOVE spending time with and (BONUS!!) a few of us actually enjoy cooking. That, my friends, is what we call a win-win situation.

And thus, Family Dinner Night was born.

Family Dinner Night has got to be one of my Top 5 Best Ideas of All Time. SERIOUSLY. I rank this even higher on the scale-o-awesome than the Crossword Puzzle Wall I created in Graduate School. That's saying a lot. But seriously, we've been at it for a little over a month now and Family Dinner Night has quickly become one of the highlights of my week. I look forward to it for days in advance now!

There are four of us who participate and we get together one night each week at someone's house for dinner. We've decided to rotate hostess/cooking duties each week so that each of us is essentially responsible for one meal per month...and, oh yeah, its AWESOME. We eat, we laugh, we pray, and we even play board games together, but the best part, the very best part, is when we play High-Low.

High-Low is Jonnie's brainchild and its where we go around the table and take turns telling each other about the best part (our high) and the worst part (the low) of our day. It sounds simple, and maybe even silly, for a group of grown women (I'm the youngest and I'm 25) to play a game that Jonnie probably learned when she was 3 or 4, but you have no idea how great it really is. The act of not only sharing food but sharing your life--thoughts and feelings, excitements and fears, with other people is such a wonderful feeling...ahhh. I'm so thankful that I have friends in my life who are as caring as mine.

(And now, just to make your mouth water, here are some of the dishes we've created thus far...)

Pan-seared redfish and asparagus

Turkey and Pesto Paninis

French Onion Soup

Lasagna

Shepherd's Pie

The Best Things in Life

2010-10-05T16:40:00.003-05:00

Sent at 4:23 PM on Tuesday
me: i am totally gonna cry
like happy tears
Jonnie: hahahahahahah, don't do that!
me: happy cry
Jonnie: You're loved. It's totally normal.
me: hahaha
i am very blessed
Jonnie: aren't we all.

(Exert taken from my gChat conversation with my dear friend Jonnie today, after being surprised at work by flowers that she and a couple of my other friends sent. Tell me I'm not the luckiest girl in the world).

Classy and Fabulous

2010-10-04T14:53:00.008-05:00

First let me just say that I freaking LOVE birthdays. Yours, mine, your neighbor's grandson's best friend from second grade...it doesn't matter. Birthdays just make me excited. On October 5 I celebrate the quarter-century mark which is terrifying and exciting and a little depressing all wrapped up in one big, bubbly mess of emotion...but that's really neither here nor there with regard to this post. What is of extreme importance though, is the fact that this year, for the first time in my life, I have very close friends whose birthdays fall one day before and one day after mine. Um...if that doesn't scream joint birthday party, I don't know what does.

Another friend of ours graciously agreed to host a birthday party for us and let me just say, it was so super wonderful...I cannot thank her and the rest of our friends enough for making the weekend of my 25th birthday such a wonderfully special time. Best night ever! The theme of the party was "Classy and Fabulous," which was derived from the Coco Chanel quote that "A woman should be two things; classy and fabulous." There were cupcakes galore, champagne and balloons, music, dancing, and of course, the best part was spending the night celebrating with some one the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for.

This is the first year actually, that I won't be with my family on my actual birthday which at first I was afraid would be a little bit of a downer. But! (Not that I won't miss being with them that day) I feel so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful, loving friends that I have absolutely no reason to complain at all.

Holy Awesomeness, Batman!

2010-10-04T14:10:00.009-05:00

Jimminy Christmas, where do I start?! It's been a fantastic couple of weeks and by fantastic I mean, well, fantastic. Let's see, where to begin? Let's first back it up to last weekend when I spent three days in the booming metropolis of Alexandria, Louisiana with my great aunt, uncle and cousins to attend the wedding of my cousin, William and his(now)new wife, Kristin. So much fun. I love weddings anyway and theirs was so nice and so beautiful...ahh! I had a great time helping them decorate and prepare, and just getting to spend some time getting to know Kristin a little better too. Oh and eating wedding cake. I never pass up an opportunity to gorge myself on wedding cake. And how gorgeous was she, by the way? PLUS! My mom and Nanny came down for the wedding so on top of meeting and getting to know some of my extended family I'd actually never met, I also got to spend the weekend with them. It was great.

After the wedding Saturday night Mom and Nanny came back to New Orleans so that they could spend Sunday here in the city with me. I took them to church with me that morning, and then gave them the Lauren version of a driving tour of the city. Nanny hadn't been since Katrina, so there was much that had changed. We wound through Uptown and the Garden District, ventured into the 9th Ward, and finished up in the Quarter, then had lunch at this fantastic little gem of an Italian sandwich shop a few blocks from my house.

After that, we decided that the weekend just wouldn't be complete without a little shopping. I mean, come on. We went in search of a new rug and bookshelf for my apartment and ended up coming home with...dum dum dum...wait for it...LUCY SPARKLE!

That's right, I got a puppy! Ok, so puppy isn't entirely accurate as she's actually seven years old, but whatever...look at that face! The Louisiana SPCA had their traveling shelter at the mall on Sunday and when we went in and I met this one, I pretty much decided I had to take her home. I didn't really have a choice, did I? I've thought about getting a dog for awhile now but had just never taken the time or made the commitment to go look for one, but once I met her, I decided that Lucy was the perfect fit for me. I like to think of her as my birthday present to myself. The shelter was calling her Goldie but I think she's much snazzier than that, so I have since renamed her Lucy. Lucy Sparkle actually! (My sister totally gets credit for the fantastic name). She's now been home with me for a week and (fingers crossed) so far, seems to be adjusting perfectly. She's house trained, very obedient, walks well on the leash and as of yet, hasn't chewed up a single piece of furniture or eaten any of my underwear. I can't really ask for more than that, can I?

Ok so, I was going to try to cram all of my fantastic-ness into one post but I think that would be just a little too extreme for all of us, so I'm going to give you a chance to let this soak in before I hit you with the awesomeness that was my 25th birthday party! Until then...

Teddy bears and kisses!

Lucky Me

2010-10-04T09:42:00.002-05:00

I have many, many things to catch you up on--and I will, (pinkie promise) but for now can I just say that I have THE BEST friends in the whole wide world?

Learning

2010-09-23T16:25:00.000-05:00

“That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.”
Richard Bach

I Don't Do Dating

2010-09-23T12:45:00.003-05:00

Let's talk about boys for a minute, shall we? Boys and dating and relationships and the utter messiness of it all.

Here's the thing; I've never really been into dating. Like casual dating. Like seeing multiple guys at one time, going out on dates with different boys on different nights of the week, getting to know several different men at once, dating. I've just never done that. (Well ok, there was that one time in college where I might have kinda sorta had two boyfriends at once...but it was really unintentional and flat out exhausting and by the end of it I swore I'd never do that again). And anyway, that only lasted a couple days so I don't think it really even counts. I've always been more of a relationship type of girl. Maybe to a fault, but hey, whatever. Literally, since my senior year of high school I've pretty much gone from one "serious" committed relationship to the next, with not a whole lot of time or dating in between.

In fact, in fact (and I'm just being real honest with you here--cause why wouldn't I be? Say what you will about this, I really don't care) when I moved out in February, I jumped very quickly into a relationship of sorts with another guy. It was easy to justify to myself because we weren't technically "together," we were just really good friends who were going to have dinner...and then go to a movie...and talk to each other a hundred times a day...and...you get the idea. I told myself that it wasn't a real relationship so it was ok (because even I knew that I needed time to deal with and heal from the marriage and divorce) but in all honesty, it was just another relationship, no matter what name we put on it at the time.

For what it's worth, I liked this guy a lot. A whole lot in fact, and my previous failed relationship notwithstanding, I was pretty much willing to jump in with both feet and not look back.

Unfortunately, at least for the time being, that relationship hasn't worked out and I've decided that it's best if I start trying to move on. It's not at all what I want to do, but at the same time, I kinda figure life's just too short to waste a whole lot of time on something that isn't working. So...even though in a lot of ways i have absolutely zero desire to do this right now, I've decided that maybe, for the first time, I should give the old dating scene a chance.

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Fate and Timing and...blahhhhhh

2010-09-20T11:50:00.002-05:00

If I'm being perfectly honest with you (and I have no reason not to be), I'm more than a little frustrated these days. It's work, it's my personal relationships... basically, its just life in general and the fact that mine is not exactly on track the way I want it to be or feel like it should be at this point. Then again, I'm not exactly sure what track I want or need to be on right now, so maybe that's part of my problem.

I've come to the conclusion in the past couple of months that, as much fun as it's been, New Orleans is likely just not going to be my forever home. There's a lot here to love for sure, but I just don't see Lauren staying here forever. That's not to say I have any idea in the world where it is I want or am supposed to end up, I just get the feeling that this ain't it. So, for the past little while now I've been applying for jobs. Everywhere. No, I'm serious. Everywhere. Since I have no idea where I want to go, what I want to do, and really no ties or obligations to anywhere in particular, I've basically been playing the old "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks," game.

Now, seems to me (being the logical person that I am) my complete and utter lack of stipulation on type of job/city I live in, would make it easy to find something. I mean, that makes sense, right? Apparently, not so much because while I've had several interviews, nothing has worked out or fallen into place for me yet. It's more than a little frustrating for me now, but it's also really made me stop to think about why I'm still here in New Orleans.

The idea of Fate is, in and of itself, a big and very messy subject to tackle here so I won't do that exactly. But what I will say is that I tend to think that there is a bigger plan than what I will ever know, that everything happens for a reason, and that in the end, things ultimately work out as they are meant to. That said, I have to believe that (all of the heartache of the past year notwithstanding) there was a reason I ended up in New Orleans and by that same token, I have to believe that there is a reason I am still here now. I can look at the past year and point to many, many reasons I think God put me here at this point in my life. I think there were a lot of lessons I needed to learn that I couldn't have learned anywhere else; I think there were a lot of people I needed to have put into my life and I think there are people whose lives I needed to become a part of. But in my mind, I've learned my lessons, I've made my friends, and I've done all I know to do. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to leave. I'm ready for whatever comes next.

What I'm starting to realize though, and who knows? Maybe this is the final lesson I need to learn here, is that it's really not so much about what I think I'm ready for. It's much more about the bigger picture and the bigger plan and the totality of life than about what I think I want today. A good friend told me once that "God is far more concerned with our character than our immediate happiness," and I've been trying to remind myself of that lately...while I cool my heels and bang my head against the wall here in New Orleans.

So...yeah. I don't know whether I'm still here because I have more to learn, or whether I'm still here because God is using the people in my life to reach me in ways I don't realize, or if maybe he is using me in their lives...I just don't know. But I have to believe that there is some reason behind it all, and I have to believe that when the time is right whatever comes next for me will fall into place and I'll be able to look back on these past few months and be thankful for the extra time I spent in NOLA.

Life Lessons from Winnie-the-Pooh

2010-09-13T14:41:00.002-05:00

"You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.”

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

"Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.”

“A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.”

“You can't always sit in your corner of the forest and wait for people to come to you... you have to go to them sometimes.”

Looking at the Stars

2010-09-13T12:05:00.003-05:00

“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.”

Some of you may know this already but I took a few days off last week to go home to Kentucky. Not just to Lexington, which is where I usually end up when I say I'm going home, but home home, to the mountains. I was home for a whole week and it was wonderful. I don't necessarily advocate running from one's problems, but I also know that sometimes, we all just need a break. I needed a break.

So I packed up and hopped a plane to Kentucky, where I spent the week sleeping more than I have in the past six months combined, eating myself senseless on my Mom's home cooking, going for runs in the cool fall weather, and watching the first Kentucky football game of the season too. I also rode my horse for the first time in over a year and even mucked out a stall or two...and believe it or not, I actually enjoyed it. Sometimes I think, good, honest, physical labor is good for the soul.

While I was walking from the barn back to the house one night, I happened to glance up and notice how bright the stars were. It was amazing. You can't even see the stars at night in New Orleans so I don't remember the last time I just stopped and stood with my head hanging back, and took in the beauty of the night sky. Our preacher even commented on it Sunday at church, about how he was out that same night and couldn't remember a time in his life when he had seen the stars shining so brightly.

Crossing the Bar

2010-09-08T13:14:00.001-05:00

By: Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809–1892)

SUNSET and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;

For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crossed the bar.

This poem was read last week at my great grandmother's funeral. She was quite an amazing lady and would have been 103 on her birthday in October.

Lesson Learned: Don't Try to Fly With Your Pocket Knife

2010-09-07T13:11:00.003-05:00

So I just got back to NOLA after spending a week (yes, a whole week--haven't been home that long since I left for college my freshman year) back home in Kentucky. Can we just talk for a second about how fabulous it was to be back in the Bluegrass during football season? Oh my Lord. Probably it was just about the greatest week ever, and no, in case you passed out and hit your head and are feeling a bit delirious, I did not want to come back to the death heat and humidity of New Orleans. Not one little bit. Not that I had a choice in the matter as this is where the job is which currently pays my bills...but I surely didn't board the plane back down here in the greatest of moods, that's for sure.

Anywho, my attitude notwithstanding, I got the Lexington airport yesterday in plenty of time to catch my flight but I got stopped as I was going through security (no, I didn't set off the metal detector, thank you), when the TSA guy pulled me aside and told me that they were going to have to rescan my purse, which I thought was a bit odd just because, well, that's never happened before. So they run my purse through the x-ray thingy again and I can see all the little security guards conferring with one another as they point to the computer screen where my bag is being displayed. Hmmmm...

I started doing a mental inventory of what I could possibly have in my purse. It was a short list because I'm just not a big purse person. I know some women carry their whole lives around in their purses and you'd be likely to find just about anything in there but I'm not one of those people; I carry as little as humanly possibly. I was sure I had taken my pepper spray out and left it on my kitchen table in NOLA before I flew home last week so I knew it couldn't be that. I remembered that I had a fingernail file, but it was just one of those cheap cardboard ones, which I thought were still allowed so I figured it wasn't that either. Really, I had no idea what it could be.

The TSA guy asked me to step out of line so he could search my purse, so I went over to this table that was set up off to the side and watched as he pulled out my wallet, my cell phone, hairbrush, chapstick, pocket knife and...WHOA. Yes, I had a pocket knife in my purse! And not just any little old knife either--this thing was hardcore. Like three blades and a file and a corkscrew and everything!

I feel as though I should be at least mildly embarrassed because who does that anymore? Who tries to go through airport security with a weapon in their carry-on? In my defense, I had completely forgotten that I even put that in there weeks ago and what's scary is that you'll recall that it was caught as I went through security on my return flight...which means that I made it through airport security with that thing once already on my way to Kentucky last week...

Yikes.

2010-08-10T16:07:00.004-05:00

"It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. Let me repeat one word for you. Leave. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It's a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."--Donald Miller

There might be some big changes coming for me soon. We'll see...I don't want to jump the gun or count my proverbial chickens before they've hatched or anything, but I think its fair to say that, one or another, change is on the way. I'll keep you posted...

Why I Love Her

2010-08-09T20:18:00.004-05:00

Because when I decide that I want a cupcake for dinner, not only does she back me up 100%, but she totally understands the need to drive to three different places in order to find the perfect cupcake.

And then wash it down with ice cream for dessert.

The Messiness of Relationships

2010-08-04T11:41:00.003-05:00

I'm just going to be real honest with you here--I suck at relationships. In the past year I'm pretty sure I've broken just about every rule there is in the marriage/dating handbook (I assume such a book exists somewhere--I've just never seen it)and probably a few that weren't in there at all. True, not all of the failures were 100% my fault, but I also know that I'm not without blame either so I can't just sit back and play the victim. Though that would be a lot more fun, now that I think about it...

Anywho. I've been thinking that maybe I should write a book, the topic of which would be "What NOT to Do If You Want to Have a Successful Relationship." Maybe I'll come up with a catchier title, but you get the gist. I feel as though I am the walking poster child for all of the ways relationships can go bad and surely there is someone else out there who could benefit from my hard-learned knowledge. Cause Lord knows I've got enough of it now to go around. I would be a great case study for some relationship psychologist somewhere.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize I've got waaaaaaaay too much material for just one post. Heck, I've got way too much for several posts. Maybe what I'll do is just start by telling you my story, and save my words of wisdom for another day. How's that?

One Day At A Time

2010-07-30T16:13:00.001-05:00

One day at a time –

This is enough.

Do not look back

And grieve over the past

For it is gone;

And do not be troubled

About the future,

For it has not yet come.

Live in the present,

And make it so beautiful

That it will be

Worth remembering

One Year Later

2010-07-30T09:41:00.008-05:00

This post is actually a couple weeks late as it was really the first week in July (2009) that I packed up and moved down here to what I lovingly refer to as the greatest little sweatbox in the south. I promised a year ago to give you my uncensored, unbiased, unabridged thoughts on what its like to be here in New Orleans post-Katrina and while I know I've given you little bits and pieces from time to time, I think you really do have to live someplace for awhile, and really immerse yourself in the culture, before you can fully appreciate, understand, or explain it. And yes, I realize that was a run-on sentence...don't judge me.

Any-the-who, lets talk about New Orleans. I think that on the days I don't hate it, I love it as much as any place I've ever been. It's quite the conundrum, but just about everyone who lives here will tell you the same thing; that they have a definite love-hate relationship with this city. Lord knows its the most unique city I've ever been to, and that's saying a lot.

By now you all know my feelings about the climate and the weather here, particularly in the summer. From May to October we have the "gates of Hell" death heat and the humidity is at like 5000% percent or so. It's the opposite of all things good and pleasant, really. And honestly, even though it does cool off and on occasion get downright cold in the winter, there aren't really seasons here like I'm used to, and I miss that.

For me the biggest culture shock was adjusting to the demographics of the city which are so much more diverse than where I grew up. I've never lived in a place where I am a minority, but most of the time here I feel as though that's the case. People here have their own distinct dialect, accents that border on the impossible to understand, and by and large...very poor grammar. That sounds harsh, but what can I say? Facts is facts. I will say though, that New Orleans has maintained the renowned hospitality of the old, deep, south--the people here are as generous and loving and friendly as you could ever hope to meet. Well, when they aren't shooting at or shanking each other anyway. There's very much a mentality of "what's mine is yours," and the generosity most people have, especially when they are hosting you in their home, is endless.

In terms of culture and personality, this place can't be topped I don't think. New Orleans loves a good party and by golly, we'll look for just about any excuse in the world to have one. And if we can't think of an excuse, well, we'll probably just go ahead and have one anyway. When I first moved here I was a bit shocked at how carefree people here were--I've mentioned the liaises faire attitude of the city before. Everything just moves at a slower pace here than it does in the rest of the world and if something doesn't get finished today...well, let's go get a drink and worry about that tomorrow. (And let's be honest, its not going to be just one drink...it's going to be cocktails and dinner and wine). Because that's just how things are done here. If there's one thing this city isn't lacking it is alcohol and good food. Wait, I guess that's two things. Whatever.

Speaking of food...good Lord I believe I could do a whole post on the food in this city alone. It's incredible. Gumbo, jambalaya, etouffee, po'boys and bread pudding are the staples here; everyone has their own variation and those things are served at quite literally, just about every restaurant in the city. It's a wonder I haven't gained a hundred pounds in the past year given all of the deliciousness I am surrounded by. There's obviously a ton of fresh seafood to be had, but truthfully, you can find just about anything your heart could possibly desire.

Jambalaya

Shrimp and grits

At this point other than the weather, I may have lead you to believe that New Orleans is all teddy bears and gumdrops (or sazeracs and po'boys, whichever). For all of the good here though, there are things that I think I'll never really adjust to, no matter how long I stay. Despite everything, New Orleans is still a very broken city in many ways. Katrina is partly to blame for sure (even five years later there are things that have yet to be repaired or replaced. At this point I assume they maybe never will be). But on top of that, there's also a ton of corruption in the local government, a crime rate you wouldn't believe, enough poverty and illiteracy to choke a horse and an overall attitude of ignorance mixed with defiance. It's like the people here realize that their city is broken, but rather than admit to and work to fix it, there is a weird sense of pride that many of them seem to take in it. I feel as though people think New Orleans will lose its charm if they actually repair roads and sidewalks, or clean the trash off the streets, or maintain the infrastructure in general. So good food and music aside, after driving over pot holes big enough to swallow my jeep, waiting for stop lights that have been broken for months, getting lost because many street signs were never replaced after Katrina and twisting my ankles while trying to run down sidewalks that look like they were paved by a jackhammer...there are just some days I think I've had about as much of this place as I can stand.

I guess if I could summarize this whole rambling post into something more manageable, I will say this. When I moved here a year ago, I had no idea what to expect. I was petrified out of my mind, but excited for an adventure. People warned me when I came that New Orleans would "get into my blood" and that I'd come to love this city like no other. They say that once you live here, you never really leave. You may move away, but New Orleans has a place in your heart forever and for the rest of your life you'll never find a place that quite compares. At this point I can honestly say that this is true for me. Despite all of the bad memories I have of the past year (and God knows there are plenty) I am so thankful for the opportunities I've had here, and the experience of living in this place that I can't even begin to make you understand. I feel that everyone living here is in survival mode to some degree; it's not an easy place to live and every day I get up and have this feeling in the back of my mind that I need to put a suit of armor on because I'm going out to do battle. But that's ok. That's part of what makes this city so great.

Thankful

2010-07-22T11:16:00.002-05:00

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colassians 2:6-7

I joined a covenant group at church and as part of that, I'm supposed to read an assigned scripture every day. I suck at doing this. I read the Bible approximately never...mostly because I always come away feeling more confused than I was before. That said, this was today's scripture which my friend Deborah texted and told me I had to read (so I actually googled and read at my desk at work).

And now I feel mildly embarrassed because I know I do not act thankful every day, even when I am. In light of that, she and I began making a list of the things that we are thankful for. Here's mine...

I am thankful for Deborah and Leah, Jonnie and Lindsey and Nicka. I am thankful for my jeep, Rayne United Methodist Church, the amazing Bible study I have become a part of, my parents, shoes, living in America, cheesecake and mint juleps, and good books.

I am thankful for Abby and Dixie and Dexter, roses, chocolate milk, airports and long baths. I am thankful for snow and for sushi, for the days I can be out on the farm with my dad and for the mountains of eastern Kentucky in the Fall.

I am thankful that no matter how badly I screw up, my grandparents think I am perfect. I am thankful for sleepovers with my friends, Keeneland, Kentucky basketball, babies, long runs on nice days and pedicures and massages.

I am thankful for unconditional love, singing old hymns in church, my job, being healthy and safe, front porches and corny jokes. I am thankful for fireplaces, health insurance, wasabi almonds and thunderstorms.

I am thankful for my iPod, being able to travel, the experience of living in New Orleans, good guy friends, air conditioning, unlimited text messages, and my education.

And I am thankful for the grace of God.

2010-07-20T11:57:00.001-05:00

"When life is too easy for us, we must beware or we may not be ready to meet the blows which sooner or later come to everyone, rich or poor."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

I really like to write, but lately it seems like every time I sit down with the intention of updating this thing I get so caught up in a torrent of thoughts that I don't even know where to begin. What do I say? What don't I say? How do I feel about this, that and the other? I don't even know myself sometimes so forgive the fact that this may be a random, rambling, stream-of-conscious-thought post. I'm just going to take what comes out and run with it.

I like the above quote a lot, because I think it neatly defines the past year of my life. Up until a year ago I had lead one of the cushiest, easiest, more perfect lives ever. Really. Nothing even remotely "bad" had ever happened to me. Which basically means that the past year completely blindsided me. There have been some good times for sure, but this has also easily been the worst year of my life in more ways than one.

That said, in a weird and sick sort of way, I think I will eventually end up looking back and being incredibly thankful for at least some of the events of the past year. Some things I could have happily lived another 80 years without having happen mind you...but I also know that I've learned more about myself and about people and about Jesus in the past twelve-ish months than in the other 23 years of my life combined. It's almost as though I had to fall flat on my face in order to get it through my thick head that unfortunately, the world does not in fact, revolve around me.

I think I am not at all the same person I was a year ago. That Lauren was a little hard, a little cold, a little too close-minded for her own good. She didn't like getting too "emotional" with people and she certainly didn't like hugs. This new Lauren has learned that at some point we are all going to have our struggles, that life is just downright unpredictable and by golly, I'll hug anyone coming or going. And I've realized that we can say whatever we want--but none of us know exactly how we will react to something until it happens to us. I have cried more, cursed more and yelled at God more than I ever have in my life. But on the flip side, I've also prayed more, and loved more and had more compassion for other people than I ever have before either. For all the bad that has happened to me this year, I feel as though I've become more open-minded and tender-hearted towards others than I thought was possible for me. Never again will I judge someone or think harshly of someone for whatever circumstances in life they are going through because my gosh, who am I to judge anyone?

THE INVOCATION

2010-07-19T09:30:00.001-05:00

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own: if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusations of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see the beauty even if it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here, I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in empty moments.

Just Some Thoughts

2010-07-15T09:35:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I get a little too overwhelmed to say anything origional of my own. On days like this though, I take a lot of comfort in reading inspirational quotes from other people because hey, it means at least someone out there has it together, right? Here are some of my favorites for today.

"A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective when when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all-knowing and therefor all of us need both love and charity."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-- C. S. Lewis

"A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are made for."
-- William Shedd

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."
–- Plato

"It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship."
-- Henry Ward Beecher

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”
-- Peitro Aretino

Psalm 56:8

2010-07-13T12:14:00.002-05:00

You put my tears into your bottle; are they not in your book? When I cry out to you, my enemies turn back. This I know, for God is for me.
Psalms 56:8

When I was little and would cry, my dad used to tell me he was collecting my tears and keeping them in his pockets. Kind of the same thing, no?

No Surprise

2010-07-13T11:48:00.003-05:00

I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
'Cause I'm not taking the easy way out

Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now

Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now...
But after going through this, it's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

The kiss goodnight--it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
The whispering before we sleep
just one more thing that you can't keep

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise.

Read This

2010-07-08T12:58:00.002-05:00

If you're looking for a good summer read, or really, a good read in general, I highly recommend this one. It's sad, but the fact that it's a true story makes it really beautiful as well.

Slacker McGee

2010-07-08T09:25:00.002-05:00

That's me.

The one who has gotten horribly lazy about updating this thing as of late. My bad.

Anywho, since you asked, I will tell you what's new with me. The short answer is, "Not a whole lot," to be honest. After the most tumultuous year EVER I think I can finally say that my life has taken a turn for the normal. At least for the time being it is starting to feel that way. Things are finally starting to calm down and feel good and comfortable and happy again...can I get a Hallelujah Amen on that?

Work is, for the most part, going well. Admittedly, I use the term "well" pretty loosely here though. There's nothing wrong, I'm just quickly coming to the end of my initial one-year agreement and am going to have to make some decisions soon. I know I don't want/can't afford/won't stay in my current position once I reach the 12-month mark--it's been fun, but its time for me to peace out and move on down the road, yo. I really like the company though, and the hospital where I work, and am now good friends with so many people here...I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they'll find another position for me here. That's what will happen in a perfect world anyway. Given my massive failures at achieivng anything close to perfection within the past year though, I'm not holding out just a ton of hope at the moment.

Ooooh! Wanna hear a funny story? Yeah, I thought so. (Actually, that may be too much of a build-up; this really isn't all that funny at all, come to think of it. If anything its just ironic because if you know me and my history with vehicles you'll realize that I was long overdue for some vehicular mishap). Ok so, back it up to this past Tuesday night. I leave the grocery store, get in my jeep annnnnnnd nothing. I got nothin.' No lights, no power locks, no radio, and the engine won't even pretend to turn over. That thing was deader than a doornail. Long story short, two hours later I'm back in the parking lot with a couple of friends, putting a new battery in the jeep. At this point I wasn't even positive the battery was the problem...but based on the layer of corosion we had to scape off to get the old one out, I figured it was a solid investment either way. Lucky for me, we popped the new battery in and the old jeep started right up, good as new!

I went on my merry way, thinking that I was maybe the most brilliant mechanical mind to ever walk God's green earth until I went to leave work yesterday afternoon and my jeep was, once again, deader than a doornail. Seriously?!? I called my Dad and AAA and the repair shop and while I was waiting for a tow truck, all the possible scenarios started running through my mind. Dad thought it was the alternator. Another friend thought it was the starter. "Maybe the old jeep has just finally given up and died and I'm going to have to buy a new vehicle," (which I don't want and can't particurally afford right now). That would suck to the 10th degree. Well, the AAA guy showed up and low and behold, he started digging around under the hood and discovered that I just had a loose connection on one of the battery terminals and that's why I had no power! He tightened it up for me and I was once again, back on my merry way. Apparently the streets in this city are in such craptastic shape that driving over all the potholes had literally jarred my battery loose. Blah! Get your act together, New Orleans. You're killin' me here.

All In

2010-06-24T11:29:00.003-05:00

It is human nature, I think, to learn from our past mistakes. Not always, granted, and sometimes it takes making the same mistake several times in a row before some of us get it through our fat heads not to do that again...but on the whole I think we are programmed to pick up pretty quickly on what feels good and what hurts, what to do, what not to do, and the consequences of our actions.

So, I consider myself to be a pretty quick learner. Actually, I'd say its one of my greatest strengths. I have very few real world skills to be honest. I'm not an expert on anything and for the most part, don't even know how to do that many things well. But if someone teaches me, I can learn. My one caveat to this is with relationships. I think perhaps I kind of suck at relationships. I've come to this realization over the past few months and while enlightening, I'm still very torn about how I feel about it.

I feel most people who come out of a failed relationship (especially relationships that fail in epic proportions like my past one) are probably a bit hesitant to jump into a new one. And rightly so, I'd say. There's that whole "I've been burned once, I don't want to let it happen again," thing to think about, plus let's just be honest--breaking up SUCKS. It's emotionally and mentally draining and unless you're a complete sociopath with no feelings at all, it takes time to heal from that. I should know. I've been dealing with this recently actually, and I've heard from everyone I know that I need to take things slow, I need to "guard my heart," "look out for myself," and "take care of me and not worry about anyone else right now."

All very wise advice. Aaaaaand I completely suck at following it.

As much as I'd like to be able to meet and date people casually, without developing any real feelings for them, I realize I cannot do it. I've tried, and I just can't. And truthfully, I don't see the point. I've decided that the only way to love people is to love them completely. If you're not willing to dive in head first, to take a chance, to risk getting hurt again (and again and again and again), then there's no point in doing it at all. I think love is crazy and messy and you know what? I may get hurt a hundred times before this whole thing is said and done (and by whole thing I mean my life), but that's ok. I'd rather look back and know that when it came to other people, I gave them everything I had to give. I didn't hold anything back and I loved them as completely as I knew how. And if I get burned, so help me, I'll laugh at myself for being an idiot. But at least I'll never miss out on something fabulous because I was too afraid to try.

Just In Case You Were Wondering...

2010-06-18T11:01:00.002-05:00

It is HOT here now. Like really, really, hot. Like...gates-of-Hell-you-sweat-just-thinking-about-it hot.

And it's not even officially summer yet...

A Very Great Man

2010-06-16T16:17:00.004-05:00

Let me tell you about my Granddad, because he was a very great man.

I remember when I was little and we'd go to visit my grandparents in the summer, Granddad always made sure to have his hammock tied up and ready for us before we got there, because he knew my sister and I would want to go out and swing in it. I remember him coming home from work--how dignified he always looked. He was a tall man and always wore such nice, expensive suits...I used to think he had to have one of the most important jobs and be one of the most important men in the whole world. I remember joking with him on Thanksgiving every year about how early he was going to get up to start working on the turkey (I always said I'd get up at 4:30 with him but lets be honest here--I never actually got my lazy self out of bed anywhere close to that early on a holiday). I remember how he'd go out in the back yard in the evenings after work to check on his rose garden, and how he not only taught me to grow and care for roses, but would come up to my house every spring to help me plant new ones.

My Granddad loved sports. He coached my mom's teams when she was growing up, then he coached in the church leagues after that. He and my Nanny came to so many of my basketball games and softball tournaments over the years that most of my teammates came to refer to them as "Nanny and Granddad" as well, and he's the reason I'm so much taller than everyone else in my immediate family.

At his funeral over the weekend, people told me over and over again how brilliant he was, but also how kind. They said he was truly a man of great intergrity, and the fact that there were over 400 people at his visitation says to me that he was as well loved and respected as anyone I know. People told me how proud he was of me, of all his grandkids, and how much he loved us. They talked about what a good man he was, all of the kind things he'd done for people over the years, and about how much they are going to miss him.

If you were to ask me what exactly my Granddad meant to me, I would tell you that I inherited his height, his weak stomach (we are/were both complete wimps when it comes to blood) and his absolute loathing of little green peas. I credit him with my time spent as an Upward basketball coach, my expensive taste in shoes, and my love of roses and cheesecake. But more than any of those things, my Granddad was a classy, classy guy and I am so proud to have known someone as good and as kind as him. I think I've learned a great deal about how to live life by watching my Granddad over the years...more than I probably even realize. Granddad loved my Nanny more than anything else in the whole world except for Jesus, and he made the best fried chicken I've ever eaten. He was a gentle giant who was worth paying close attention to when he had something to say. He was practical to a fault, always half an hour early for everything, and downright hilarious once you got to know him. He played golf, dabbled in the stock market, and would send me e-mail at 2:30 in the morning when he was undergoing chemo treatments, joking that the steriods they gave him ("Barry Bond shot" as he liked to call it) kept him from sleeping for two days.

I am going to miss my Granddad a lot. I can't even imagine what it will be like on Thanksgiving and Christmas when he's not there. I'm going to miss his late night e-mails, his dry sense of humor and his fried chicken. But I know that he is finally at peace; he will never be in pain or have to suffer again and for that I am very thankful. I like to think too that even as I type this, he is up in Heaven, tending to God's rose garden.

Does This Make Me Crazy?

2010-06-02T12:24:00.003-05:00

Ok, this one's going to be controversial I think, so consider that your fair warning. And if I offend you, I apologize. It's not intentional. I'm just shooting from the hip here so there's a better-than-50% chance I'll say at least a few socially inappropriate things. Onward!

I think it would be fair to say that I grew up in a household of tough lovin'...especially when it came to our health (emotional and physical). What I mean is, Mom and Dad didn't put up with a lot of whining or complaining. I was allowed to miss exactly one day of school my entire growing up years, and it was only because I was so sick I literally couldn't stand upright. My parents were under the impression that if you can walk and you're not dying, you're well enough to go to school. Not a whole lot of middle ground with them. When I broke my arm during the country basketball tournament in 4th grade, mom told me to get back out there and "walk it off." To keep playing until my arm just didn't hurt anymore.

It wasn't that they were hard-hearted or didn't care, because of course they did, its just that you darn well better be on your death bed or about to bleed out before you complain about being in pain. I say all this with a bit of sarcasm but the truth is, by and large I think Mom and Dad were right on track. Of course they cared about our well-being--they just didn't want to coddle us and turn my sister and I into complete wimps. They didn't want us to whine, or to fall apart at every little hurt or inconvenience. Basically, they wanted us to be tough. And by and large, I'm very thankful this was the case. I think that on the whole this was a really good thing.

I will say however, that growing up in an environemnt of tough love made me more than a little jaded with regard to how I feel about other people's health and well-being. This was the case with physical health for sure, but I think it became the case even more so with mental and emotional health.

I don't know why exactly. I've pondered on this for awhile now and can't really come up with an exact reason. Certainly I didn't grow up around any mental health issues. No one in my family ever experienced anything like that, so I don't know why I came to associate mental and emotional issues with weakness. (Told you it'd get controversial). But I I think I did. I dont know if I ever really admitted it to myself consciously, but deep down I've always harbored a distinct lack of respect for people who were dealing with any type of mental or emotional issue at all. Lack of respect and maybe pity. In my mind, these people just weren't mentally tough enough to handle life. I thought they were weak, and were just making things up essentially. It's horrible I know, but there you have it. That's really how I think I felt at times.

Ironically enough, within the past year I've found myself visiting not one, not two, but three separate counselor/psychologists--of my own free will no less. I should warn you that this is not easy to admit or to talk about, but in the name of keeping it real and being honest, I'm going to put it all out there for you. Back in the Fall when we first started having problems, Zack and I went together to see a marriage counselor. I don't regret trying but I can say with all sincerity that it was a complete waste of time and money for us. I honestly had no idea what to expect (as we've established I've avoided these type things at all costs up to this point in life) and I was not impressed. I'm sure it works for some people, I know there are success stories out there, but for us personally, it was one gigantic, epic, FAIL.

The second counselor I only visited once, in a last-ditch effort to get a second opinion of sorts.

The third head-doctor though...this is the hard one to talk about. The third one I'm seeing now. And by now I mean I've been going to counseling for the past couple of weeks. This is something I thought (swore) I'd never need or do, because you know, I'm soooo mentally tough and all. But the truth is, I needed to talk to someone and no matter how mentally tough we think we are, sometimes life throws you a curveball that you just don't know how to handle. Getting divorced was a curveball for me. I've come to realize in the past few weeks to a month or so that I am bitterly, bitterly angry. Way deep down, buried inside so deep I didnt even realize it for the first few months...there's a firey ball of anger and resentment so hard and hot I can barely stand it sometimes. I am not an angry person. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I think I'm blissfully unaware a lot of the time and wil break my neck to reconcile whenever there's a disagreement. That's why this angry was so scary. I didn't know where it was coming from and I didn't know how to control it.

Lately I've found myself acting out in unusual and uncharacteristic ways and I think I've determined that its this anger that I've neglected to address, manifesting itself in other areas of my life. There have been times when I've just broken down and started crying for no good reason at all. I've gotten really, really unjustifiable mad at very silly and trivial things, and taken my emotions out on people who were for the most part, innocent bystanders. I've found that I'm having trouble focusing on anything--instead I sit down to work on something and my mind begins to wander back over the past year or so and before I know it, two hours have gone by and I've accomplished nothing. Stuff like that. I don't sleep very well a lot of the time now, and I feel so restless I can't stand it sometimes. And underlying it all there's this anger, this aggression, that is so strong sometimes I'm afraid if I don't get up and walk away that I'm going to physically hit something.

I don't think that's good. And I know its definitely not how I want to live.

So...having reached my wits end, I decided to go talk to a professional. I finally admitted that maybe I needed someone to teach me how to constructively deal with all of the emotions I've bottled up because frankly, trying to do it myself wasn't working. I sucked at it tremendously if you want to know the truth. And really, at this point, what have I got to lose? My reputation has been shredded, I've acted in ways and done things I swore to myself I'd never do...might as well round out the list with "seeking psychiatric advice." "Who knows?" I told myself, "Maybe being crazy will be fun!"

So there you have it friends. My confession of the day is that I'm not nearly as mentally tough as I thought I was. Sigh.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

2010-05-27T09:50:00.003-05:00

Or, as I've learned this year, when your life is falling apart around you.

It is May, y'all. May. And not the beginning of May either. It's the last week of May which means its really almost June which means I have been in New Orleans for almost ONE WHOLE YEAR now. How crazy is that and where the heck has the past year gone? I moved here the first week of July (2009), so we are quickly approaching my one-year NOLA anniversary...I feel like I should have a party or something, you know? Can we all agree that this has been probably the most tumultuous year ever, in the history of Lauren? I'm pretty sure at this point I've got nothing to top it.

Anyway, Spring in New Orleans is lots of fun. This is the time of the year when all (or a lot of) the music festivals take place for one thing. Not that I'm terribly into music festivals per se, its just that there is an overall festival atmosphere here that trickles down into other parts of life. Then again, that may have less to do with Jazz fest and more to do with just the city itself, I dunno. Oh and, it's crawfish season!

The only downside to where I am now? That's right; the heat. It's so freaking hot here already...and it's technically not even summer yet. I'm afraid for July and August. And I swear I'm convinced that New Orleans sits just outside the gates of Hell and no one realizes it. We are rapidly approaching a time when I feel the need to shower three times a day because the mere act of walking from my office to the car leaves me a sweaty mess.

Other than the heat though, life is good.

Tell a Friend

2010-05-24T14:27:00.004-05:00

I used to write a weekly column in the local newspaper back home. I started there the summer after I graduated from highschool and to date, it was one of the best jobs I've ever had. I loved it. I was fortunate enough to work for the paper in some capacity throughout college, and even continued to write my column right up until I graduated and moved down here to New Orleans.

My mom e-mails me all the time to tell me that she ran into so-and-so at the grocery and they just "loved your column and miss reading it every week." And "why have I quit writing?" I'm not saying this to brag because I've never thought my pieces were particurally special or exciting (I only continued to write them because I thought it was kinda fun) but to thank all of those people from back home who have been so supportive over the years. It means so much to me, even now, to hear from people who have read and enjoyed something I've written.

And I want you to know that I haven't abandoned you! I quit writing Under Construction for the newspaper because they quit printing it. I don't know why--we never had a formal arrangement one way or the other so I can't really complain. I just know that I would submit things that never got published, so after awhile I kind of just quit writing a column every week and turned to this bloggy medium instead. I like this because I'm not limited to any certain amount of space, I dont have a deadline or a requirement, and I can be slightly less politically correct than I could be when my stuff was actually being published!

I do miss though, feeling connected to the community I grew up in back home and getting feedback (positive and negative) from the readers. That was always lots of fun and usually pretty interesting to me, on a number of levels. So I guess what I'm getting around to is to ask a favor from those of you from back home who do read this--please tell your friends! Give them the web address and tell them that I loved writing for them each week and would love to hear from anyone and everyone who still cares enough to take five minutes to read what I have to say!

2010-05-19T10:26:00.002-05:00

I realize I haven't been writing as frequently lately, as I did when I first started this thing. For what its worth, its not for a lack of material. In fact, quite the opposite. It's more like I have so much going on in my head these days that I'm overwhelmed at times, to the point that I can't even imagine sitting down and writing it all out. I probably should, as I find writing to be extremely therapeutic but frankly, the thought of doing it just exhausts me sometimes. I am apparently more lazy than I realized.

Not Quite How I Thought It Would Look...

2010-05-11T14:15:00.005-05:00

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans for your life."
--Woody Allen

My life, that is. I'm referring to my life and how, if you'd asked me five years ago to tell you where I saw myself today I'd have painted a picture for you that is so far from the reality of things that it'd be laughable. And in hindsight, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

The other day I was talking to my friend Jonnie (who I know reads this blog--hi Jonnie!!!) and we got on the topic of how, when you're growing up you have this mental imagine of who and what you want in life and how rarely those daydreams actually come to fruition. "Did you ever picture the type of person you thought you'd end up with?" she asked me. "Did you ever imagine what he would look like and how he would act and what his personality would be?"

I did. And I still do.

The thing is though, just because we think we want something, and even when we do our best to plan for and make it happen...sometimes it just doesn't. I don't know why. I guess because it is in times like these that our plans for our life don't quite mesh with God's plan for us so he is forced to step in and intervene. I have no idea. What I do know is that if you'd told me when I was 19 that by the time I turned 24 I'd be living on my own, going through a divorce, (in New Orleans of all places) I think I'd have assumed you were smoking crack and laughed in your face. "Not me," I would have said, with more than a hint of self-righteousness. "I'd never get a divorce. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and divorce is only for quitters. I'm better than that. And New Orleans? Nooooo way."

Gag me. When I think about how naive and just holier-than-thou I was, I want to punch myself in the throat. Ugh.

I think maybe sometimes we have to fall flat on our face in order to get it through our thick heads that we are in fact, all human and that we are all capable of things that we do not admit or realize. We're not nearly so perfect as we'd like to appear.

I do not know why my life's journey had to include this particular stumbling block but I do know that I've learned more from it than you can possibly imagine and I think in the long run, this whole experience will have changed me for the better. At least for me it took experiencing the pain of something as devastating as divorce to teach me that I am no better than anyone else. This whole thing has taught me compassion and empathy--never again will I look down on or judge people for the situations they find themselves in or the choices they make in handling those things. I've learned that no one can truly understand or appreciate pain like this until they've lived it themselves and for me to tell someone that what they have done is wrong, or to judge them for their choices, would mean that I have learned nothing at all.

I Think I Met Jesus On the Elevator...

2010-05-05T16:23:00.004-05:00

and He was dressed as a large, black woman.

I should back up and tell you that I totally, 100% believe that God speaks to us through other people all the time. Maybe even more than we realize.

Yesterday was not a terribly good day for me. In fact, on a scale of 1 to Awful, it was like a solid 14. Needless to say, by the time I left work I was just barely holding it together. Obviously I wasn't about to break down in the office but I'm not so sure I could have kept it all inside much longer. So I get on the elevator in the parking garage and this large, black lady gets on after me and immediately asks if I'm ok. "I'm fine," I nod, but at this point the unshed tears are darn close to falling so I'd imagine I wasn't terribly convincing.

"Are ya sure, baby?" she asked.

"Mmm-hmmm..." And I was done. I broke down and told her the story and why I was upset (which at this point is irrelevant) and yes, the tears may have started to fall.

And do you know what Jesus did? This woman that I didn't know from Adam wrapped me in a big ole' hug and rode all the way up to the 8th floor with me (past her floor mind you), then followed me out of the elevator to my car and told me that she had been through this very same thing and that it hurt at the time, but that it was the very best thing that ever happened to her and she knew that would be the case for me too. She went on and on, speaking the most wonderful words of love and encouragement that you can possibly imagine--to me; a total stranger. It made my day and maybe it wasn't Jesus talking to me through her...but you won't be able to convince me otherwise.

2010-05-05T12:51:00.001-05:00

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”
--Alex Tan

To Balance Out the Anger...

2010-05-04T10:17:00.002-05:00

I want to share something with you; this was printed in the bulletin at church on Sunday. I thought it was really beautiful so I cut it out and put it in my wallet so that I will look at it every day. I think the world would be a much better place if more people were able to live this way...

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

I think this is something that, if we could all do these things--hate less and love more, encourage joy instead of sorrow, seek to accept and understand instead of condemn and judge...we would all be better off. I think this goes for everyone no matter what their views may be on politics, religion, or anything else. Whether we believe in a Christian God or a Muslim Allah, or no higher being at all...I think these are things that we'd all be well served to think about.

Anger

2010-05-04T09:54:00.003-05:00

Well this place is old,
It feels just like a beat up truck;
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
It smells of cheap wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn.

I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same...

--One Headlight

Do you ever have those days where you wake up and just sort of feel like setting the world on fire? Maybe that's just me? I don't wish for violence or for harm to come to anyone...I just wish for a way to get rid of all the meanness and the ugliness sometimes.

(Sidenote: Today is probably not a good day to mess with me; I'm feeling a bit feisty). Kisses!

People

2010-04-28T09:27:00.002-05:00

Over the course of our lives, we meet a lot of people. A whole lot of people in fact, many of whom we interact with only briefly and then never see again. Then of course there are those people who are with us most, if not all of our lives that we couldn't be rid of even if we tried--our parents, siblings, and sometimes if we're lucky, our childhood best friends. We don't get to choose our family and we sure as heck can't always control who we are forced or fortunate enough to interact with but I believe that the people in our lives, whether they play a significant role or not, all cross our paths for a reason...whether we ever see that reason or not.

But every once in awhile (every once in a blue moon if you will) I think people are put into our lives at a specific time and for a specific purpose that is so glaringly obvious its like being punched in the face. I've been blessed to have crossed paths with some truly amazing, amazing people but never in my whole life have I felt so certain that the people I'm encountering are there for a reason. And I am so, so thankful for that.

Banana Bread Perfection

2010-04-20T10:32:00.003-05:00

I have the most exciting news ever. Or at least the most exciting news so far today (and maybe yesterday too). I'm pretty sure that I have discovered the trick to making the most perfect banana bread in the history of the world. Period. The end. You can just stop looking because if you think you're going to find something better you won't. I'm sorry.

I can't give you the actual recipe because its not technically mine to give but I think this discovery is so universally magnificent that it will work with anything.

Are you ready for this?

Hold on to your socks...

The trick is to use twice as many bananas as the recipe actually calls for and they have absolutely got to be rotten. I'm serious. I've always heard that you're supposed to use over-ripe bananas that are bordering on rotten but I'm thinking now that you need to go on and push the envelope a little further and go for full-on decay.

These in the picture technically aren't even ripe enough I don't think. The ones I used last night have been sitting in my kitchen for so long I can't remember when I bought them and frankly, the peels had started to mold a little bit on the outside I think (ew). (Basically, wait until they reach a point where there's no way you'd still eat them, then let them sit for another couple weeks and you should be good to go). They were not only mushy to the touch, they basically fell apart when I picked them up. As I started to peel them I thought to myself, "Self, there's no way these are going to be any good still." Wrong, wrong wrong!

My recipe called for two ripe bananas and I used four rotten ones. Best banana bread I've ever made.

KLUTZ-O

2010-04-14T10:59:00.002-05:00

This was my Dad's nickname for me growing up. Wait a minute, who am I kidding? This is still what he calls me most of the time and while not terribly endearing, it is pretty darn accurate so I can't really complain too much. I think he will enjoy this post more than anyone. I am just not terribly graceful sometimes. I do not know why but a lot of the time I'm downright out of control. Like the proverbial bull in the china shop. Don't let me within thirty feet of anything breakable. I don't mean to, but I'm constantly tripping or dropping stuff, bumping into corners and table legs, and otherwise doing goofy and uncoordinated things to either injure myself or break something.

This past weekend I had not one (cause why stop at just one?) but two classic Klutz-o Lauren experiences. You're gonna to love this...

#1 - The Time I Almost Cut My Finger Off: Ok so, Friday night I was over at the home of a friend of mine who was hosting a dinner party. I was helping her finish getting all of the food ready and my job was to make the salad. She handed me a big plastic bag of salad greens and a knife to slice into it with (mistake number one was giving me a knife in the first place). I don't know if my hands were a little damp or if it was the bag or the knife (of some combination of the three) but by golly, I managed to slice right through my index finger. Given that I have a wee bit of an aversion to blood (and by wee bit I mean I'm the biggest wimp in the eastern hemisphere) I immediately looked away and just stuck my finger under some running water in the sink. My girlfriends took charge and started playing nurse---which was a good thing because if I'd actually had to look at that gash there's no telling what I would have done. The whole time they were washing the cut and doing the direct pressure bit, I was giving myself a mental lecture. "You're 24 years old for crying out loud--put your big girl pants on and suck it up!"

Didn't work. As they began drying my hand so they could bandage it, I noticed that I couldn't really feel my feet. And it was slowly getting dark. And suddenly, the earth was spinning a lot faster than it was five minutes ago and was it me, or was it getting REALLY hot all in there all of a sudden? I stumbled/collapsed into a chair and really, I think that's about as much detail as I need to go into. You don't care to hear about the sweating and the dry heaving, right? I didn't think so.

#2 - The Time I Almost Burned Down the Church: Having made a full recovery from the finger incident the night before, I got up early Saturday morning and headed to church to help with the Crescent City Cafe, which is a ministry that serves breakfast to the homeless on Saturday mornings. I volunteered to make pancakes because well, I love making pancakes and I thought it would be a good job for me. Pancaking making went well for the most part, until right towards the end of the morning when one of the other volunteers asked if I'd mind frying a little more bacon too? Bacon you say? No problem! I love bacon! Bear in mind I am frying this bacon on a large, industrial size stove with like 19 burners all going at once. Because there was no counter top space available, I had to set my bacon plate on the burner next to the one I was using. Yes, I made sure that burner was off. Duh. What I failed to consider though, was the fact that the paper towel I put on the plate to absorb the extra bacon grease was hanging over onto the burner that I was using. Lesson learned: paper towels burn incredibly quickly when you stick them in a gas burner! Of course, the oven in that kitchen is nowhere within five miles of a sink so when I pulled the flaming paper towel off I had nothing to do with it. I stood there staring stupidly at the thing, trying to use my mind powers to douse the flames for problably 15 seconds before I realized that wasn't going to work, so I ended up dropping it onto the floor and jumping up and down until it was dead. Less fun than mind powers, but apparently more effective.

So, there you go. I hope you feel better about yourself now after reading this.

2010-04-07T09:14:00.004-05:00

I think I feel this need to say something really big and substantial and important every time I write. Like I owe you something; like...since you took the time to ready this blog I should do my best to make it worth your while. Unfortunately, there are just some days where I dont have anything big, substantial or important to say. Like that one time when I rembled on about how the Whole Foods here smells like hotdogs. Remember that one? Yeah... Clearly I was struggling for content that day.

Since I have nothing earth shattering or profound to share with you at the moment, I'll just update you on my life in general and then later on, should something deep and/or philisophical come to me, I will be sure to get those thoughts down in writing too, ASAP. Pinkie promise.

Mostly, I am staying fantastically busy and I love it. Work consumes an 8-ish hour block of my time every day of course, but in addition to that I've just got a lot going on and much to be thankful for these days. First, there's studying for the CPA exam. Did I mentioned that I'm doing that? Well if forgot to tell you...I'm studying for the CPA exam. I'm taking a class that meets from 8-5 every Saturday (from January until June) and while I know that sounds like an absolute party...really its not as exciting as you'd think, once you get down to it. Yeah I know. It surprised me too, what with the reputation CPAs have for being such wild party animals and all. (That's all I'm going to say about that for now and if you ever mention the CPA exam to me again before I bring it up I will promtly tune you out).

Let's see...what else? Remember that Bible study I told you about back in the Fall? That has started back up and I'm so darn thankful for that group of girls that I can hardly stand it. I feel confident in saying that as a whole, this group is one of the best things to ever happen to me--not just here in New Orleans--in my life. I love them and I feel so blessed that I found such an amazing group. In fact, here's a picture of (part of) the group that we took this past Sunday at Easter brunch. We are missing a few here, but don't tell me these girls don't look like some of the most fun and amazing women you've ever laid eyes on!

Coming Right Along

2010-04-04T20:09:00.003-05:00

Per the request of several friends and family members, here are some pictures of some of my new furniture. And by some I mean "all." I'm still taking my merry old sweet time to find stuff I really like. When people come over though, I just tell them I'm really into minimalism ;-)

Come Sail With Me

2010-04-03T10:51:00.002-05:00

So Thursday afternoon about 4:00 p.m. (at the point in the day where productivity has long since ceased and I'm literally just grinding my teeth and wringing my hands, counting the minutes until I can leave work for the evening) I get the following text from my sweet friend Deborah:

"Please please say you'll come sailing with me after work!"

When I read that I just sat and stared at my phone for a good 30 seconds running through in my head, all of the possible scenarios for which I would get such a request. Was it meant for someone else? Was it a joke? Had Deborah been sniffing paint and was now talking out of her head? I was dumbfounded. I mean seriously, sailing requires things like boat and a large body of water and oh, I don't know, a skill set...none of which we have.

Well! Come to find out, she has a friend who is quite the boat captain, who had invited her (and through her, me) out for a sunset sailing trip. Um...YES. Count me in. Let's go. Now.

I had never been truly "sailing" before. Been on lots of boats and love the water, but I've never had the opportunity to be on a sail boat. Needless to say, I loved it. As Deborah put it, "Sailing has pfficially replaced ballet as my new favorite sport."

Mardi Gras

2010-03-29T22:45:00.007-05:00

It orrured to me last night that I never actually told you all about my first Mardi Gras experience. Gah!! What was I thinking?? I have no idea how I managed such an oversight but I plan to rectify it immediately.

Um...Mardi Gras was nuts. I've never seen anything like it. I'm not even talking about the wild partying in the streets either--that I expected. I'm talking about the mentality that goes with it. I'm talking about how an entire city literally shuts down for two weeks to celebrate. I'm talking about an event where not only are gluttony and doing things to the extreme accepted...they're expected. And celebrated. Anywhere else in the world you'd probably attract a few stares if you were walking down the street at eight in the morning carrying a case of beer and wearing a pirate costume that you'd had on for three days. Here? Not so much. During Mardi Gras, I discovered, just about anything goes...

I'll skip over the parts about all the great food I ate and the fact that I may or may not have set some kind of record for King Cake consumption, the crazy partying (not by me so much as in general) and the general feeling of wild abandon that permeates the city and skip right to some pictures. These are all from Bacchus, which took place on Sunday night and was an absolute blast.

I told you the Bacchus theme this year was "Love is in the Air" so all of the floats were in some way love themed. Cute, no? My Uncle Nick rides in Bacchus every year and his float was called "Vegas Honeymoon." It was fantastic. All the riders were dressed up like Elvis, complete with big black hair pieces. Totally goofy and over the top, but that's what Mardi Gras is all about.

These were just a couple of my favorite floats. I took a picture of Drew Brees on the King's float but unfortaunately, it was a little too dark and didn't turn out very well. Sorry.

My cute date, right before we went into the ball.

To summarize it for you, this was one of the most fun weekends I've had since moving to New Orleans. I'm not gonna lie though, by the time Mardi Gras was over I was more than ready for a break. I was exhausted.

Life's Like a Jump Rope

2010-03-29T09:04:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a really beautiful day here. (Which is good because after the game Saturday night I kind of wanted to run headfirst into traffic or beat my head against the wall to the point of unconsciousness). I'm estimating that New Orleans has approximately 4 weeks worth of really nice weather out of the entire year, which means that days like yesterday should be highly savored. After church I had lunch with the most wonderful, amazing group of girls I've personally ever known. I will say though, we sat outside at the restaurant and it was a wee bit windy. Combined with being in the shade of the awning, yours truly got more than a little chilly. Ok really, let's be honest--I was freezing. To the point that I and one of my friends walked across the street to Walgreens and brought a $3 fleece blanket to wrap up with. Yes, I realize I'm a pansy. Don't judge me.

Anyway, after lunch and a run through the Garden District, a friend of mine called me to say she was on her way over to pick me up and that we were going to the park to fly kites. And we did. Did we look like two four-year-olds out there? Probably. But what's wrong with that? Probably the world would be a lot better place if we all took the time to play a little more.

Then as we were driving home from our kite flying venture, she played a song for me that I really liked and after coming home and listening to it again (like six times in a row), I have decided is maybe my new favorite song. My favorite song changes almost daily, so today, this is it:

Jump Rope - Blue October
Remember how you used to say
You couldn't wait till tomorrow for a brand new day
no fuss when ya had to ride the bus
You just add a little blush
To paralyze your school crush

Now you're older and the weight is on your shoulder
Make the world a little colder
No more hidin in the old day
Be strong
Don't you give up hope
It will get hard
Life's like a jump rope

Up down
Up down
Up down
Up down yeah
Cause it will get hard
Remember life's like a jump rope

There'll be a bump and there will be a bruise
There'll be alarms and there will be a snooze
There'll be a path that you will have to choose
There'll be a win and there will be a lose and

You gotta hold your head up high and
Watch all the negative go by
Don't ever be ashamed to cry
You go ahead
Cause life's like a jump rope

Up down
Up down
Up down
Up down yeah
It will get hard
Remember life's like a jump rope

I want to tell you that everything will be okay
That everything will eventually turn itself to gold
So keep pushing through it all
Don't follow, lead the way
Don't lose yourself or your hope
Cause life's like a jump rope

Up down
Up down
Up down
Up down yeah

You stomp your feet so hard you make it pound
Raise the bottom to the top
And now we're never coming down

Up down stomp your feet spin around
Clap hands to the rhythm
Then you slip down

You stomp your feet so hard you make it pound
Raise the bottom to the top
And now we're never coming down

Up down
Up down
Up down
Up down yeah
It will get hard
Remember life's like a jump rope

Whoa oh
Cause life's like a jump rope

Blue Like Jazz

2010-03-26T14:18:00.005-05:00

I have to tell you about this book I just finished reading not too long ago that may or may not have given me a whole new perspective on life. Ok, that's an exaggeration. It's more I like I read this book and, for the first time, had put into words the way that I feel about a lot of things in life.

I think this is one of the most beautiful books I've ever read and if I could I'd give a copy to every single person I know and then beat them over the head until they actually sat down and read it. Yeah. It's that good.

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."

Fight Song

2010-03-26T14:13:00.002-05:00

UK is the only place I ever wanted, or considered going to school. My dad taught me the Fight song when I was like five, (actually, he told me that if I wanted to go to UK I had to learn the words because it was part of the Admissions requirement and they wouldn't let me in otherwise) and it was the only school I even applied to my senior year. I guess if they hadn't let me in I just wouldn't have gone to college at all. Also, in hindsight, my parents lied to me a lot.

SEC Champs

2010-03-15T10:32:00.004-05:00

Did you all watch the game yesterday? Did anyone else squeal like a little girl when that whole Bledsoe-free-throw-Wall-rebound-Cousins-put-back play went down?? Cause I definitely did and I'm not one bit ashamed to admit it either. Demarcus Cousins, you are my new hero. The championship was the only game of the tournament I actually got to see and good Lord did it nearly give me a heart attack because it certainly wasn't pretty there at the end...but the Cats held on and really, that's what matters anyway.

Know what else? They're playing the first two rounds of the tournament here in NOLA!!! How great is that? I'm all about trying to get some tickets too, though I don't know what I'll actually be able to. I'm not interested in buying the whole book of tickets for all the games so my plan is to go downtown Thursday night and find a scalper to sell me tickets to just the Kentucky game. We'll see how that works out for me.

2010-03-11T15:50:00.002-06:00

I realize it's been a few days since I've written. Do I have a good excuse? Not really, other than nothing of great interest has happened in the past few days so I haven't felt the need to recap the normalcy for you. But I apologize for my absence anyway. Don't even act like y'all didn't miss me! In the name of not going an entire week without writing, allow me to give you a quick recap of all the fun I have been having...

First of all, my new couch was delivered this morning! Personally, I think this is cause for a freaking party because I've spent the past six weeks or so with no living room furniture at all. Let me just say, you don't realize how much time you spend sitting on your couch until you don't have one. I never even thought I spent much time sitting on the couch but apparently, I was wrong about myself.

Now that I think about it, I really do want to have a party. Hmmm...

I'm really super excited for this weekend and let me tell you why. One of my best friends from undergrad is passing through New Orleans on his way to Texas (he's going to San Antonio to begin his clinic rotations for his degree in physical therapy--did I mention all my friends are brilliant?) and he's going to stop here for the night! It's been probably three years since I've seen this kid but back in the day he was like a brother to me. I can't wait to see him and catch up on all that's been going on with him the past fews years. Also, he's maybe the craziest person I've ever known...so his visit should be a fun adventure for all involved.

The SEC tournament is starting!!! I'm expecting big, big things out of the Cats this weekend and I may or may not throw a tantrum if for some reason they let themselves get beat. The only downside to this whole thing is that their first game is tomorrow afternoon. At like 12:00 noon. When I'm at work. Clearly no one bothered to ask my opinion on things when they drew up the brackets and scheduled this thing because I would have had a thing or two to say about that.

Last but not least, I think Spring is coming to New Orleans. I say this because while it has been slightly warmer, its the humidity that has really reared its ugly head this past week and you know what? It makes me absolutely sick! Just when I the memories of last summer that have been burned into my brain were starting to soften and fade, and I was starting to think that maybe the climate here isn't so bad afterall...its going to go and turn into something roughly equivalent to standing at the gates of Hell again. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh...

The Oscars

2010-03-08T10:49:00.009-06:00

Did anyone else watch the Academy Awards last night? I admit, its rare that I make it all the way through the entire show. I like to see the dresses and I like to watch if there are any special performances, both otherwise, I usually end up just getting online the next day to see who won. Last night however, I went to an Oscars party with some dear friends and not only did I watch the whole thing, but we were having a contest to see who could predict the most winners so I was on the freaking edge of my seat the whole night. There's nothing like making it into a competition to get me motivated to pay attention. Anyway, we had a really great evening (thank you Christy and Mike!!!) and now I will share with you my thoughts on some of the specifics.

First of all--has anyone actually seen the Hurt Locker? Can you please explain to me how in the world this movie possibly won best picture? I mean...seriously. I watched it over the weekend in preparation for Oscar night and not only was I not impressed, I thought it was an epic FAIL. Ok maybe not epic. Maybe just a regular FAIL, but still, definitely not what I would consider "Best Picture" worthy. I think maybe its just because it was about the war in Afghanistan that it won. That sounds horrible, but I can't come up with any better explanation so for the time being, I'm sticking with that.

Sandra Bullock. It wasn't any great surprise that she won Best Actress for her part in the Blind Side but still, I was happy to see that she did. And I loved her dress. I thought it was beautiful and in fact, it may have been my favorite of the whole night. I thought her acceptance speech (though a bit long winded as these things tend to be) was especially touching as well. Also also, ever since making this movie Sandra Bullock has become increasingly involved in and dedicated to the city of New Orleans. She and her husband just bought a house in the Garden District and have given a whole bunch of money to one of the schools here, she did the premier of the Blind Side at the Prytania theater which is cool...and the list goes on.

Demi. She wasn't nominated for anything but I just wanted to comment on how I hope I look half that good when I'm her age. What is she doing??? She looks like she's maybe 30 at the most. I thought her dress was pretty, but the color wasn't especially flattering since she has such pale skin. Oh and her hair was pretty "blah" but I guess when you look that good you can get away with such things.

George Clooney (or as I like to refer to him: Hottie McHotpants). I can't believe I'm saying this but I didn't think George looked quite up to par last night. He looked a wee bit tired and his hair...George, baby, do my a favor and get your hair cut. It kinda looks like you've got the beginnings of a mullet and I think we can all agree that you're better than that.

Loved these guys. The double Snuggie scene was classic.

This comment is directed at several people/outfits from last night; I just happened to come across this picture first. What in the world are you wearing??? Here's what I don't understand. These stars are beautiful human beings, they've got perfect bodies, more money than God, and a team of people who shop for and dress them--why can't they do better than this? Do they not retain some sort of veto power if their stylist comes to them with something hideous? I would. If I'm ever famous and my stylist brings me something that looks like this I'm just going to flat out refuse to put it on and be seen in public.

Project #1 Update

2010-03-06T18:56:00.002-06:00

Remember the cabinet I bought a couple weeks ago? Look how sweet she looks with a shiny red coat of paint! I actually finished putting the second coat of paint on late the other night when I was trying to force myself to stay awake so I could go to the airport at 4:00 a.m. and I'm just now getting around to posting this. I think I love it. Your thoughts?

Beautiful

2010-03-04T09:23:00.001-06:00

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

Airports

2010-03-03T10:59:00.002-06:00

Man, I love airports.

I'm being dead serious, I really do love them. I think it goes back to my love of travel and my need to be on the go but anytime I'm at an airport I feel like I'm about to go on vacation and that just makes me happy. Put me in an airport and I can seriously entertain myself for roughly three days before I get bored. I love the gift shops that are the same in every airport just with a different city name on the t-shirt. I love the random junk food choices (Cinnabon anyone?). I love the people watching.

So on my way back to NOLA Monday I had to fly through Memphis. I'd never been to the Memphis airport before and lemme just say, I don't especially care to ever go back there. Sorry Memphis, but your airport was pretty crappy. Even New Orleans is cleaner (I felt like I needed to bathe in Clorox when I finally got out of there) and everything was sort of old and broken down. Do I sound like an airport snob? I don't think I am but seriously, Memphis, get your act together. Even when something is old there's no excuse for it being completely trashed and dirty and not taken care of.

Midnight Ramblings, Part II

2010-02-26T00:40:00.002-06:00

Ok so now that we've established why I'm still awake I can get down to the business of rambling incessantly about whatever tickles my fancy. Yay!

First of all, I'd just like to make note of the fact that I am officially a thin-blooded southerner now. It's been in the mid-fifties all week and I am FREEZING. I can't even fathom what its going to feel like when I step off the plane in Kentucky tomorrow. I may just ball up in a corner and die of hypothermia on the spot, I don't know. I packed my Under Armour and my magic socks but still, I'm scared. (Also, if any one of you is bold enough to bring this up and remind me of this post in say, July when its sweltering and I'm cursing the heat and humidity, I will flat out ignore you).

What are magic socks you ask? Well! Only the greatest invention to ever grace God's green earth after sliced bread and maybe those magic eraser thingies. I don't know what brand these socks are, or what they're made of (unless you can weave socks from awesomeness in which case, that's what it is), but they're freakin' amazing. I have several pairs and for the past few years I've literally lived in them all winter. I swear, I put them on my feet and my whole body warms up--hence the "magic."

What are the odds that they'll let me on the plane with my little hand-held tube of Mace in my purse? This thought just occurred to me. In an effort to NOT find myself on the National Security Threat list, said Mace is going to be removed from my purse for the weekend. Take that, TSA! I didn't fall off the apple cart yesterday.

I just put the second coat of paint on my new TV cabinet (another "stay awake" tactic) and I'm pretty darn thrilled with the result. I'll post pictures later but she is officially approaching perfection. I love it.

I'm listening to iTunes as I type this and can we just agree, that before she developed a massive coke habit and fried her vocal cords, Whitney Houston was nothing short of amazing? I still love Whitney and maintain that there isn't another female singer in the business today with a voice that compares to hers...it makes me sad that she threw away so much of her talent and career.

I think I'm getting senile in my old age. It's probably bad if you can't remember how many pills you've consumed in a day. That's not a good sign, right? Before you freak out about that comment, let me explain. Last weekend I discovered that I had a double ear infection (fun!) and had completely lost my voice (yippee!). No idea if the two were related but the cute doctor at the ER gave my some good antibiotics that have helped tremendously. I'm supposed to take these horse pills three times a day but I'll be darned if I can remember to do that. The other day I went to take one and I literally sat there for five minutes trying to remember if this was pill #2 or #3 for the day. In the end I assumed it was only #2 and took another one later that night. When in doubt, err on the side of non-conservatism! (Ok seriously, it's an antibiotic. What's the worst case scenario here? I get better faster? I'll take my chances on that one).

It is now 1:04 a.m. and I have no idea what to do with myself for the next three hours. Maybe I'll clean the house. That sounds like fun.

Bye!

Midnight Ramblings

2010-02-26T00:16:00.002-06:00

It is 12:17 in the a.m. and I'm sitting here at my computer, reflecting. While I'm often still awake at this hour, its a rare thing indeed for me to be online and blogging in the middle of the night so this is a fun new experience for everyone I guess! I'll warn you now that I'm more than a little exhausted (read: loopy) so there's no telling what will ensue, but let's just agree to go with it for now and not hold me too terribly accountable for whatever goofy things I might say. Deal?

First I should probably tell you why it is that I'm awake and internetting at this hour. The reason, pure and simple, is that I am forcing myself to stay awake because I need to be at the airport in roughly three and a half hours to catch a 6:00 a.m. flight home. That's right, I'm headed to Kentucky for the weekend and on a scale of 1 to Ecstatic, I'm at like a 47. No joke; I can't wait to be back in the Bluegrass. I think I told you this the last time flew home back in the Fall but I'm much better off staying up all night than trying to sleep for a couple hours and wake up at some ungodly hour and try to get ready then. I feel kind of like death when I do that, so trust me when I say just going total rock star style and staying up for 48 hours works best for me. And no, I never sleep on planes. Tried; can't do it.

I know I've said and done things to lead you to believe otherwise over the past few months but truly, I do not dislike New Orleans. In fact, there are parts of this city I like very much and find rather endearing. I'd say at best I'm finding this to be one of the most fascinating places I've ever lived and at worst, I have a love/hate relationship with the city that varies in degree depending on the day (and weather). That said, given everything that has happened recently I will say that the city has lost a great deal of its charm for me...at least for the time being. Will that come back? I don't know. I think (unfortunately) its often difficult to separate in our minds the bad memories from where the actual events took place. i now completely understand why people often move or make other drastic life changes after a major traumatic event. I think sometimes the pain of being in the place where you experienced hurt is just to great and the only way to move on is to, quite literally, move on.

No, I don't have any plans to permanently leave New Orleans in the immediate future but I have reached a threshold of sorts for being in the city right now. I need to get away from NOLA for a few days. I need to regroup, remind myself that there is in fact life outside of the New Orleans bubble, and just be home for awhile. I want to be surrounded by people who love me unconditionally and support me no matter what. I want to be in a place and surrounded by things that hold nothing but comforting memories for me. I want to, just for a few days, relax and let someone else do all the thinking for awhile.

I plan to return to the big Easy next week rested and rejuvenated and with a "new lease on life" as they say. Or at the very least with my belly full and a few pounds heavier from all the good home cooked food. Either way, I think this little trip is coming at the perfect time and will be very good for me.

Keep it classy NOLA, I'll be back soon.

What I've Learned

2010-02-23T11:38:00.004-06:00

I told you that I've learned more than my fair share of life lessons these past few months. Some of them are too big and too wide to quantify neatly enough to include here but below I've listed some of the ones that I feel are pretty darn profound and that have some significance to me in one way or another. Some of these are my own original thoughts, some of them are pieces of advice from friends, and some are quotes I've picked up in books I've read or movies I've seen...or whatever. Regardless of where they came from, all of them are brilliant, I'm pretty sure.

* Your best friends will always be your best friends, no matter what. And there's nothing better in the whole world than that. No matter how often I see them or how far apart we are, I am surrounded by the most amazing, wonderful people who I know would drop everything to be with me if I needed them. I am so, so thankful for that.

* You have to do what's right for you and quit worrying about pleasing everyone else. This one is hard for me because I am a people pleaser and I can't stand the thought of disappointing anyone. But I'm starting to realize that often, in pleasing everyone else, the person I end up disappointing is myself.

* The people who will judge you are not the people who matter anyway.

* There's no place like home. Sometimes you just need to take a step back from everything and surround yourself with the people who love you the most. Nothing cures a broken heart like a little retail therapy and Mom's fried chicken and for me personally, nothing makes my heart happier than being back in Kentucky for any amount of time.

* For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

* He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great

* No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

* Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

* After all... tomorrow is another day.

* Do the best you can with what you've got and what you know at the moment. Really, that's all any of us can do.

* You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.

*It really is ok to "get by with a little help from your friends." Sometimes, they're the only thing keeping you going.

* In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. --Robert Frost

Project #1

2010-02-21T22:01:00.002-06:00

One of the "good" things (and I use the term loosely) about being on my own is that for the first time, I get to do exactly what I want, when I want and how I want. I don't mean that like I'm free to go out bar hopping until 3:00 a.m. with no thought to my responsibilies at home...although I guess I could if I were so inclined. I just mean that for the first time in my life really, I am 100% on my own and responsible for making all of my own decisions. I have my own job, I make my own money, and I spend that money and my time as I see fit.

This whole divorce thing actually happened relatively quickly--for which I am thankful, but it didn't leave me just a ton of time to apartment or furniture hunt. I actually found my new place and moved in under a week, and when I moved I had not a lot of furniture. I basically had the bedroom set I owned before the wedding and a table and chairs and...that's it. No living room furniture, no desk, no bookshelves, not even a computer.

First, let me just say that I love my new place. And even more importantly, I'm proud of myself for finding it and leasing it all by myself, without help or guidance or advise from anyone. It was a little scary, I'm not gonna lie, to sign that agreement without getting a second opinion from anyone, but at the end of the day it turned out really well and the sense of accomplishment I feel makes it worth the apprehension I had in the beginning.

I decided that when it comes to actually furnishing the new house, I'm going to take my time and look for pieces that I really love. Even though I have no living room furniture (I've been watching TV sitting on an air mattress the past couple weeks) I didn't just rush out and buy the first couch I found. I figured that this is a semi-major purchase, its going to be an investment, and I want it to be exactly what I want. So instead of buying one off the floor at some furniture store, I ordered exactly what I want and am having the thing reupholstered to a fabric that I chose myself. Yes, that means I'll have to wait 6-8 weeks before it actually arrives but when it does, I know that it'll be perfect. And so far none of my friends even seem to mind that when they come over I can't actually offer them a place to sit.

So new couch is ordered and should arrive next month, but while I was out and about over the weekend, I found something else that I absolutely wanted for my new living room.

One of my friends and I found this little beauty in the back room of an antique consignment shop in Metairie and as soon as I saw it, I knew it was exactly what I wanted to sit my TV on. Seriously, how adorable is this? Going forward we are now going to refer to her as "Project #1" because in her current state she won't really match anything else I own or fit in with the "look" I think I want. Once I get finished sanding her down and painting her a shiny cherry red though, she will be completely perfect.

Thankful

2010-02-18T12:04:00.002-06:00

There are many, many lessons that I've learned in the past six months or so. More lessons even than I could begin to list right now in fact, so I won't even try. Maybe another day. One of the biggest things I've learned though, and one of the things I am now most thankful for, is that at some point in our lives we all are going to get to a place where we just need to lean on others for a little while. This hasn't necessarily been easy for me to do; I've always (at least in my own mind) been convinced that I'm this terribly independent, doesn't-need-anyone, do-it-myself, kind of girl. But I see now that there are just going to be times when we can't do it on our own anymore and we have to have a little help.

It is the times like these I think, where you find out once and for all who your true friends are. The ones who can't be bothered, or who make empty promises to be there for you, or who say they'll call and don't...they're not the ones who matter. The people who matter, the people who we should hold on tightly to and never, ever let go of, are the ones who can be bothered, who don't make empty promises, and who do take the time to call. The Wizard of Oz said that "The heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." If this is really true then I think I must be the luckiest, most blessed girl in the entire world because I am completely surrounded by people who love me and who have gone out of their way in the past few weeks to make sure I am ok.

To all of you who have called, or sent sweet notes, or flowers, or books or random texts to tell me you love me and are thinking of me...thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your kindesses have meant more and done more for me than you can possibly know and I am forever grateful to all of you. I don't know where I would be right now if not for you all and I can only hope that if you ever need me I can be as good to you as you have been to me.

2010-02-16T10:53:00.000-06:00

"That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that. It's not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted. But it's not all like that. A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad. That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another. But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help. When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it."

2010-02-12T16:51:00.001-06:00

I am about to emark on what may or may not be the craziest, most fun weekend I've had since moving to NOLA. It's Mardi Gras time and I can't wait!!! I'll likely be nowhere near a computer for the next few days but I promise to post lots of pictures once everything winds down. Cheers!

The Ugly Truth

2010-02-12T11:16:00.002-06:00

There's no real easy or delicate way to say what I'm about to say. I've been putting off writing this particular post for weeks (maybe months) now--for various reasons--but mainly because its a very personal matter and I feel like there are just some things that shouldn't necessarily be put out there for the cyber world to debate. But, I feel like I've reached a point where I'm at peace in my own mind with what is happening and where I feel comfortable sharing with you. And I think it's only fair that I tell you, really, because how else could I ask you to read about and take an interest in my personal life if I wasn't willing to be honest with you about everything? I couldn't. So...here it is.

Zack and I are getting a divorce.

I promised myself before I started writing that I would be honest about what is happening but that I would remain respectful of his and our privacy, so I'm afraid if you're looking for juicy details you'll be disappointed. The things that transpired to lead us to this place are between he and I...and that's it. And really, at his point, do they even matter? The answer is no. They don't. It's all water under the bridge now and to bring them up over and over, to rehash them for you in order to prove my point, will do nothing but serve to make me a bitter and haggard girl who gets stuck living in the past. And that's just not who I am.

What I will say is that we are two very different people who came to realize that we had two vastly different ideas about what a marriage was supposed to be. I don't think that makes either of us bad people and I don't think it even makes either of us "wrong" per se...it just means that we are two people who discovered that we're not capable of making this thing work with each other. And if there's one thing I learned about marriage in the past six months its that IT IS A LOT OF HARD WORK. Marriage is hard, every single day, and if both partners are not fully 100% committed to each other and to the relationship, it just won't ever be what it should.

To say that the past few months have been a bit emotional would be like saying "the Saints had a pretty good season this year." Understatement of the decade right there. The past few months have been nothing short of hellish and looking back, I honestly don't know how I got through them. Had it not been for the grace of God and the absolutely amazing people in my life, I don't know where I would be right now to be honest. This has been a painful, heartbreaking, grueling process to be sure, and one that I would never wish on anyone. Standing on the other side of it though, I can say with absolute certainty that this is something that was ultimately bound to happen to us sooner or later and that, painful as it was, was undoubtedly for the best. Do I still care for Zack? Absolutely I do, and likely some small part of me always will. But what I see now is that ours was not a relationship that was safe or healthy for me and had things not ended when they did, I don't know what would have happened.

As I sit writing this and reflecting on the turns my life has taken in the past little bit, I realize that there are those out there who will judge me--harshly--for what I'm doing. I'd imagine there will be people who I once considered close friends who will be appalled that I would even consider divorce an option. There will be those who will say I should have tried harder, should have done something differently, should have stuck it out no matter what. To anyone who has the nerve to look me in the eye and judge me (or worse yet, do it behind my back), just know this. I don't care. I don't care what you think, I don't care what your opinion on this matter is and I don't care what you think of me. You haven't walked in my shoes. You do not know the situation, you do not know what I have been through and you do not have any right to condemn me for how I have chosen to handle things.

Am I sad that my marraige didn't work? Heartbroken. Is this what I wanted? Not in a million years. Do I feel like I've failed? Yeah, in some ways I do. No one goes into a marriage hoping it doesn't work. But you know what? I refuse to hang my head and be ashamed of getting a divorce. It sounds like such a dirty word, and it is, but I've come to believe that sometimes you just don't have any other option. And if you'll judge me for that then you are likely not someone I need or want in my life anyway.

For anyone reading this who may be concerned about me; please don't be. I'm fine. Actually, I'm better than fine. I'm amazing. I'm great. For the first time in a very long time I feel like myself again, and that is a wonderful thing indeed. I'm content and at peace with what has happened, I'm very happy about the new direction my life seems to be heading and I'm excited about whatever may lie ahead for me. For the time being I plan to stay in New Olreans; I like my job and I feel like there is still some reason for me to be here. It's a little tough to have to start all over again from scratch but well, I'm not scared.

For I Know the Plans I have For You...

2010-02-10T09:04:00.003-06:00

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

I rarely write about religion or God because I think those things are just extremely personal matters. Not personal as in "I don't want to share my thoughts with you" but personal as in religion is something that I feel like everyone has to decide on for themselves. No one can or should tell anyone else how to feel about such things. I loathe and despise the feeling I get when someone (even someone I know well) tries to force their believes on me; its just awkward and uncomfortable and often offensive...so I try to make it a point never to do that. If you want to know how I feel about something...ask me. I'll tell you anything you wanna know. But I'm not likely to be the one to initiate that conversation, that's all I'm saying.

That said, every once in awhile something happens to me that I just have a really hard time shutting up about and not sharing with people. I know there is a God and that He is watching over us always, but I'll admit that sometimes when times get tough, I forget to remember that He's there. Sometimes it gets so dark that God just gets a little hard to see, you know? But what amazes me and what I am so thankful for, are the times when something happens that makes me see, without a shred of doubt, that I am loved and protected more than I can even comprehend. Those moments when I can literally feel the presence of God so strongly I can hardly fathom it. This happened to me the other day and I am not exaggerating when I say that I felt God so strongly it was almost as though there was a physical presence there with me. I was in my car, driving home, and I swear I almost pulled over I was so overwhelmed. Maybe others have experienced this feeling to?

When I first moved to New Orleans I kind of joked but often truly felt as though God had desserted this place and these people a long, long time ago. At times the corruption and the desolation here make it hard to fathom that an all-powerful Heavenly father could exist and still allow his people to suffer in these ways and there are parts of this city that are so dark and dirty and depraved that one wonders how the light of God could ever possibly reach them. There have been times since moving here that I've felt more profoundly lonely and lost than I've ever felt in my life and when I called New Orleans a "God forsaken city" I meant it.

What I've slowly come to see though, is that God is as alive here as anywhere I've ever been and when I slow down a little bit, when I'm still for just a minute and wait for Him, I feel His presence more strongly than I ever have at any other point in my life. I was not alone when I moved to New Orleans; I just wasn't able to see how protected I truly was.

For me it took getting to a place where I felt so helpless and so alone that I literally did not know what to do anymore. I guess I hit the proverbial "rock bottom." I've always prayed but this was the first time I've ever just broken down completely and begged God to take over because I knew I couldn't do it by myself. I didnt even know what the right thing to do would be; I just knew that for the first time in my life I knew that whatever it was, I couldn't do it alone. As humbling as it was to do that, the sense of peace I felt afterwards was unlike anything I've ever known. I heard God. He spoke to me as clearly as if He was standing in the room with me and He told me not to worry. He told me that I am not alone, that He has a plan for me and that he has brought me here to this place for a reason. I felt as though he was asking me to just have a little faith and to know that everything is going to be ok and that this is all part of His plan for me.

So...there you go. It's raw and emotional and I have no doubt that many of you who read this will think I've absolutely lost my mind. And that's ok; I just felt like sharing.

History Has Been Made

2010-02-08T10:55:00.004-06:00

That's right, Sports fans. Last night the New Orleans Saints made NFL history by winning the superbowl for the very first time in their long and checkered history.

I'm not sure there are words I could use to make you understand how the city of New Orleans feels right now. I'm not a native so I can't comment with 100% certainty on this but I think its fair to say that nothing has ever united the people of the city quite like this win has. Yes, it's cliche but the air literally feels electrified right now. I was in the French Quarter yesterday afternoon before the game and it was essentially like being at the biggest street party you can possibly imagine. Thousands upon thousands of people were out, all wearing their black and gold, and all feverishly chanting Saints cheers. You could hear the calls of "WHO DAT?!?" echoing from several blocks away and every single store front and restaurant had Saints music blaring from inside. If you watched the after show at all last night you probably saw a shot of the madness that was Bourbon Street. I'm told it was crazier down there last night than the most out of control Mardi Gras has ever even thought about being...which I'd imagine is saying a lot.
On a personal note, I am so happy for the people of New Orleans right now. Yes, I've become a bit of a Saints fan since moving to NOLA but it just warms my heart a little to see the people here so excited and so proud of something. They have wanted this for so, so long and its wonderful to see it finally happen for them.

"Love Is In The Air"

2010-02-05T11:16:00.002-06:00

That's the theme this year at Bacchus; pretty appropriate, given that it falls on Valentine's Day this year and all.

What is this "Bacchus" I speak of? Well! Glad you asked...(glad because you've given me an opportunity to show off all of my newly acquired Mardi Gras knowledge). Had you not asked I would have told you all about it anyway...it just would have been more presumptuous on my part. So thank you.

I've explained before the concept of the Mardi Gras krewes but what I may not have made clear is how extremely unique each of the krewes are or how much they vary in size. What I also failed to mention is that there are krewes and then there are super krewes (five I believe), which are the really, really big ones. The Mark-McGuire-Barry-Bonds-post-steroid-use version of the krewes. Bacchus is one of the five super krewes and not only is it huge (9000+ attending the ball!!!), I'm told its fairly exclusive.

And guess who gets to attend the Bacchus ball?

Can you believe it?? I can't!

My great aunt and uncle have been members of/attening Bacchus for the better part of the past two decades and as a "welcome to New Orleans" gift to me, they have very graciously invited me to join them this year. And yes, I am just beyond excited because how cool is that? Seriously. And Drew Brees is the King of Bacchus this year too; sign me up.

In all honesty I have no idea what to expect from Bacchus, much less Mardi Gras on the whole. From what people tell me the next week and a half is going to blow my mind and be like nothing I've ever seen or experienced before. My uncle tells me everything is going to be bigger and more grand and more outrageous than I can imagine without having seen it and that I should just be prepared for the city of New Orleans to literally shut down for a few days. Between all the streets that get closed for parades and the traffic from the influx of tourists into the city, there's no way most people could get to work even if they wanted. My uncle says you have to be pretty darned determined to be miserable in order to NOT have fun during Mardi Gras; otherwise its basically impossible he says. It sounds to me like this is going to be the epitome of "eat, drink, and be merry," and I can't wait to see what all that entails. You gotta love a city that can allow itself to have this much fun.

Inspirations

2010-02-03T10:28:00.003-06:00

I've told you about the women's bible study group I've become involved with but I can't stress enough just how wonderful I find each of these girls to be. They're all very different and all have their own opinions and takes on life, but the hour on Tuesdays that I spend with them has become one of the best parts of my week by far. Because I feel so blessed to have found such incredible women to become friends with, below I will share with you some tidbits of wisdom from them.

"How often do we look for happiness around the next corner, over the next hill or on the other side of the next valley and end up missing the happiness on the next corner, going over the next hill or through the next valley?"

"I don't like the word contentment. Why should I settle to just be content with my life? I want joy."

"You'll never regret doing the right thing."

"Enjoy today, and every day, for what it is. Maybe this isn't what you think you want, or where you think you want to be at this point in your life; but maybe this is what you need. And once this day is gone, you will never get it back."

"You can't control how your parents raised you, You can't control how people treat you and you can't control the way other people act. But you can control you. You can look at your past and say, 'Yes, that was bad and unfair and horrible. But I'm going to choose to be happy anyway."

So...yeah.

2010-02-02T14:27:00.002-06:00

I've now been starring at a blank computer screen for going on fifteen minutes. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, its just that I don't even know where to begin. The past few weeks have been absolutely insane and I feel like I haven't hardly had a moment yet to slow down and process everything completely. Needless to say, there's a lot going on with me these days (no worries, its good stuff) and I've been a wee bit busy. To those of you who have called, e-mailed, texted, or sent smoke signals that have gone unreturned; thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragements and I promise I'll get back to you at some point. I haven't meant to fall of the face of the earth, it's just kind of happened. Things are finally starting to slow back down though, and hopefully my life will return to some semblance of normalcy before long.

Bless You Boys

2010-01-29T15:30:00.004-06:00

New Orleans has officially gone Saints crazy. The boys in black and gold beat the Vikings last weekend to win the NFC Championship and earn their way into their first ever Super Bowl. Basically, at this point its impossible not to be a Saints fan if you live in this city. With the exception of UK Basketball, I've never seen a fan base that loved its team with a more burning passion than these Saints fans and their excitement is contagious. We are way past the point of respect or even love...we're at full blown hero worship status at this point. we said a prayer for the Saints in church on Sunday and everywhere you go around town there are signs people have put up proclaiming their support of the team. My favorites are the ones that say, "God Bless You Boys."

I'd imagine there are those of you who would say that this is "just a football team" and that its inappropriate, sac religious even, to show so much love and yes, worship this group of people. Whatever. The natives tell me that this Saints team has done more to reunite and rejuvenate the city since Katrina than anything else has or possibly could. At least for a time, this team has erased racial and socioeconomic bounderies and brought the people of New Orleans together, fighting for a common cause. People here are happy; they have something to celebrate...for some of them this is the first time in a long time that has been the case. New Orleans has found its way into a national spotlight for something positive for once, and the Saints have given these people something to take pride in. We wear our black and gold every Friday, we echo back the Saints chant of "Who Dat" to each other when we pass in the hallways and the local radio station has taken to playing nothing but songs written for the Saints. There is already a parade scheduled the the week after the Super Bowl and win or lose, the team will be escorted through the streets of New Orleans like heroes.

WHO DAT!

Wow

2010-01-27T15:31:00.001-06:00

I am so unbelievably blessed by the people in my life...far more than I could ever hope for or deserve.

My Thoughts for Today

2010-01-26T11:32:00.002-06:00

"You ain’t gonna believe this...but you use to fit right here. (Rocky holds up his right hand) I’d hold you up and say to your mother, this kid is gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid is gonna be better than anybody I ever knew...and you grew up good and wonderful it was great just watching you everyday it was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world and you did... But somewhere along the line you changed...you stopped being you...you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good...and when things got hard you started looking for somethin' to blame...like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, it's a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, nobody is gonna hit as hard as life! But it ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep movin' forward, how much you can take...and keep movin' forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointin' fingers sayin' you ain’t where you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!"
--Rocky Balboa

I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief.

You got me stealin' your love away'
Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it
I make you laugh,
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly.

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
Oh, I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it's time for me to fly.
--REO Speedwagon

We're Baaaaaaa-aaaaack!

2010-01-25T15:34:00.003-06:00

And oh, how sweet it is...

Crack Cake

2010-01-25T10:00:00.002-06:00

Ugh. Someone brought a King Cake to work today and left it in the kitchen for everyone to share. I would now like to hunt this person down and kill. Don't they know you can't bring crack around an addict without them relapsing??? I'm either going to chew my hand off or devour the entire thing within the next hour. I honestly don't know which it will be.

People

2010-01-22T09:32:00.002-06:00

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun it out, but when the drakness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."
--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I am still amazed, every single day, by people. I'm amazed by how badly we treat each other sometimes, for no good reason. I've learned that people will hurt each other; they'll do horrible awful things to cut one another down in order to fill themselves with some hollow sense of comfort. They'll say whatever hurtful things they can think of in the moment; they'll criticize; they'll argue; they'll belittle and mock and yell. I've learned that a great many people are insecure and hard-hearted and when you get right down to it at the end of the day, care only about themselves.

But every once in awhile I meet someone who surprises me. It's a rare thing indeed but every so often you're lucky enough to come in contact with someone who, despite their circumstances in life, treats other people with a kindness that they do not even deserve. These people are able to turn the other cheek, to be the bigger person, and no matter how bleak the situation may be, maintain a sense of peace and joy about life. I've observed people like this and I've noticed that in most cases, these are not the wealthiest people or the most beautiful, or the people with the best jobs or houses or clothes. Rather they are the ones who have chosen not to let the drudgery of life bring them down. They have something inside them, lighting them from the inside out.

And isn't that amazing?

Pocket Calls

2010-01-20T09:50:00.004-06:00

So, I got a new cell phone last week. Not because I wanted to you understand, but because it became a necessity. You know those supposedly indestructible SIM cards that cell phones have? Yeah. Well. Guess who managed to destruct hers? And I have no idea how! I was just sitting on the couch last week and I reached into my pocket to answer a text when my phone went ballistic and died right there in front of me. At least it wasn't a slow, painful drawn out affair; it was more a like one minute it was fine, the next it was deader than a doornail. Granted, I've had this phone for approximately forever and it was older than dirt, so I had known for awhile it was only a matter of time before it kicked the proverbial bucket. This was my old phone:

That's right; I was still rocking the old Samsung flip phone, baby. (You should have seen the looks on the faces of the girls at the AT&T store when I whipped that bad boy out). And I loved that phone too. I'll admit I've been kinda sorta wanting a cool new Smart phone for awhile but I also didn't know that I cared to spend the money when I had a perfectly good phone that still worked.

Anyway, once Old Phone died, I had to get something so I hightailed it down to the AT&T store and after spending an hour agonizing over the different styles and texting back and forth with my sister (who LOVES her Blackberry) I decided to go with this one. Meet Polly:

Pretty snazzy, huh? (I justified this because after the rebate and a $50 coupon I had for being "such a good customer," the phone itself was FREE to me). I should tell you here that I'm by no means a techo geek. Once I figure out how to use a new piece of technology I ride that until its dead. It's not that I'm opposed to learning how to use something new, I just...I dunno. It feels like a lot of work sometimes. I was so comfortable with my old phone that I could do just about anything on it without even looking. Not so much now. What I'm telling you is that I've got this awesome new phone and I have no earthly idea how to use it. I'm kinda figuring out texting and I think I can make phone calls but I feel like this phone still has a lot of untapped potential that I'm not using yet. Also, I feel like I'm probably doing unnecessary retarded things simply because I don't know where all the buttons are for different functions.

Case in point: As I was leaving bible study last night I got a call from my Grandad. Its always great to hear from him but I just found it random that he was calling me at 9:00 pm on a Tuesday night. Well apparently, he was returning my phone calls. Yes calls. Calls that I had no memory of making. Calls that I apparently made from my pocket because I don't yet know how to lock the keypad on this new phone and I'm so used to the old flip phone that I don't even think twice about sliding this new one into my pocket. "Yeah I saw where you had called a couple times," he told me, "And I had a voice mail that was just a bunch of static and then a hang up so I thought it might be you." Great. Not only am I making pocket calls,I'm leaving pocket voice mails too.

My point in all this is that if you get a bunch of missed calls from me in the next few days its not that I do or don't want to talk to you its just that I probably don't even realize I've called. Don't take it personally.

(And by the way, my Grandad's suggestion was just to get some pants with looser pockets). ;-)

Krewe of Muses

2010-01-19T12:40:00.003-06:00

I did maybe the coolest thing ever in the history if the world last night. Ok that's an exaggeration but it was still pretty freekin' neat. I'm still learning all about Mardi Gras so I didn't know this but the Krewe of Muses is made up entirely of women and so (appropriately enough) they give away shoes during their parade.

Wait a second, lemme back up and put that into English for those of you who are (like me) ignorant of all things Mardi Gras. The Krewes are the big social groups that are responsible for sponsoring the different parades and hosting the balls during Mardi Gras. Best I can tell they are the adult equivalent to the Greek system in college. The groups are all very different, they have their own personalities if you will, and some are super exclusive while others are open to just about anyone coming or going. Some have been around for literally hundreds of years and some are less than a decade old. Some are super secretive with members who will not admit publicly that they are in fact members, and others are very very liberal and open with membership. Anyway Muses is one of the newer Krewes and as I said, is made up entirely of women. Lots of the Krewes throw things (beads, coins, small children, I dunno) during their parade, or hand out souvenirs to onlookers. If you're familiar with the Zulu coconuts at all you know what I'm talking about. These tokens of Mardi Gras are apparently a really big deal and are considered to be highly priced collectors items almost.

Well come to find out, several women here at the hospital where I work are members of Muses and are responsible for decorating by hand all of the shoes that they give away. I got invited to help make shoes and even though I had really no idea what that meant, I agreed to give it a try. It was awesome! They take old shoes that are donated and literally coat them from heel to tip ion glitter and sequins and feathers. They make these shoes look just ridiculously fantastic!

I mean seriously, how cool are these? Who wouldn't want to catch one of these at the parade?

WHY...

2010-01-19T11:25:00.002-06:00

Are chocolate donuts not good for you???

Remember these? I loved these things when I was little. Loved them. Ate them every chance I got. Yes, I realize they taste more like they're coated in wax than chocolate but mmmmboy was it good wax.

(Obviously, I'm sitting here craving chocolate donuts at the moment).

Embracing the Nerdiness

2010-01-18T09:49:00.005-06:00

It has come to my attention that a few of you don't believe me when I say that I am a complete and total nerd. I don't know how I've managed to convince you otherwise but let me assure that I am in fact, nerdy beyond belief. It's true. I don't wear glasses and I keep my pocket protector and calculator out of sight for the most part but don't let those things fool you. Let's examine the evidence, shall we?

#1: My job. Do you know what I do for a living? I just spent the past five years of my life getting an ACCOUNTING degree and an MBA and now I work as an assistant to the CFO at the hospital. Accounting, people! Do you know a nerdier, more boring group of human beings on this whole earth than Accountants? The answer is no, you don't, because one does not exist. Accountants are the epitome of the "number cruncher." That's what we do, all day everyday. Numbers, numbers, numbers. (I like to think of it in terms of "money, money, money" but at the end of the day it all boils down to the same thing). ACCOUNTANT = NERDY.

#2: My hobbies. The one thing I enjoy doing better than just about anything else in the whole world is reading. I love to read. I'll read anything and everything and as soon as I finish I'll turn around and read it all again. I spent the better part of elementary school hiding out in the library with a stack of books (quite possibly to the detriment of my math skills and knowledge of World History but whatever) and even now I'd choose a good book over TV or a movie any day of the week (and twice on Sundays of course). When I was little my sister and friends would sometimes get mad at me because I would choose to stay inside and read instead of coming outside to play with them. READING = NERDY.

#3: My obsession with nerdy things. I went through a phase in elementary school where I was obsessed with Amelia Earhart and Helen Keller. I don't know why. Sure, they're very interesting historical figures (and women no less) but how many third graders have read every single book in the biography section of the school library? At my school the answer was "one"; me. In middle school I developed an absolute fanatic obsession with the X-Files. Actually, come to think of it, this obsession continues to this day. Have you ever seen the show? If so, can you say SUPER nerd? If we're being honest here, I probably took my obsession to a borderline unhealthy level, but whatever. I'm sure its nothing a few good years of therapy can't fix. X-FILES = NERDY.

Now this may come across as just a wee bit of self-deprecating humor on my part. Wrong! I'm totally proud of and willing to embrace my nerdiness. I'll wear the nerd badge of honor with pride and stand tall knowing that I have nothing to be ashamed of here.

Have I convinced you yet?

Choices

2010-01-16T18:21:00.000-06:00

"Time passes in moments... moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life, just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed? But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path? "

--Scully (The X-Files)

Getting it Right

2010-01-15T12:02:00.003-06:00

Every once in awhile, people will surprise you. In a good way. (I am no longer surprised by the stupid, rude, obnoxious or otherwise unpleasant things people do to each other anymore). I just got this e-mail from HCA corporate headquarters informing all employees that the company is donating $1 Million in cash for direct relief to the victims of the Haiti earthquake. 100% of the money is going to the Red Cross and Doctors Without Borders. The e-mail also provided a link where HCA employees can donate directly to either of these organizations and promised to match, dollar for dollar, every donation that employees make.

I'd just like to say, way to step up to the plate HCA. Yeah I know there's lots of great PR in a move like this and all that jazz but still, not many big corporations out there today do things of this nature anymore. It makes me proud to be a part of this company.

I know where I'm sending my tithe for this month and I'm giving you the link too. If you're looking for a good cause, well, I would encourage you to think about this one...

www.cfmt.org/HCAHaitiReliefFund

So Apparently, I Have Actual Followers

2010-01-15T11:23:00.004-06:00

Who knew?

I started this blog back in July as a means of 1) keeping myself occupied while Zack sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for a law degree and 2) so that those friends and family back home who care to can keep up with me while I'm in the Big Easy. I seriously had no idea whether anyone would care to read anything I had to say but figured "What the heck?" and rolled with it anyway. Over the past few months I know my mom has read my blog. So has my sister. And even my Dad who at first refused to out of protest because he thought having a blog made me susceptible to being stalked by all the crazies of the world. My grandparents even read my blog.

Not that its not flattering to know the family is reading...but...well...I dunno. I guess deep down I had aspirations of bigger and better things. Like maybe someone outside the family would care to take a gander at my inner-most thoughts every once in awhile. (And by inner-most I mean the inner most thoughts that are appropriate and safe to broadcast to the world).

Well! Come to find out, I actually have a few real readers! I'm just terribly excited by this news too, because it means that someone out there actually has taken time out of their otherwise busy and probably very fulfilling day, to read about me. And let's be honest--I'm vain enough to really enjoy the thought of that!

So...to you girls who I now know are following my blog...

and THANK YOU!!!

I'm truly flattered that you enjoy it enough to stop by on occasion and promise to do my best to keep you entertained. Or at least not offend you.

My New Obsession

2010-01-11T09:36:00.006-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the King Cake...or as I now like to refer to it, "The New Orleans version of manna from Heaven." Last week was 12th Night, which (I think--still not fully up on all of the festivals and carnivals here) marks the beginning of carnival season here in New Orleans and the arrival of the King Cake. I'd heard tales of these mythical King Cakes but this past weekend was my first up-close-and-personal experience with one...and OH MY LORD, are those things laced with cocaine? To say that I'm now mildly addicted may be the understatement of the week. We bought one Saturday night and I've managed to devour most of it already. Yes; almost a whole cake in just over 24 hours...don't judge me. And this one wasn't even anything special; just one we bought pre-made from the grocery store. This particular cake was stuffed with cream cheese (and maybe heroine), but apparently they came in lots of other flavors too. I can't even imagine how good some of the homemade cakes must be. I'm craving King Cake as we speak come to think of it and I think I'm exhibiting mild withdraw symptoms. I figure, at my current rate of consumption, I will gain approximately 14 pounds by the time Mardi Gras actually rolls around.

I love this...

2010-01-08T11:18:00.003-06:00

"At the end of the game, the King and the pawn go back in the same box."
- Italian Proverb

Thankful

2010-01-06T09:48:00.002-06:00

I truly do believe that God is watching out for us and knows, even better than we do, what we need in our lives at any given time. And whatever those things are, He makes sure to provide them for us in ways that we probably could never have imagined for ourselves. That's how I feel anyway, about a particular part of my life these days.

When we first started attending Rayne Methodist Church (we came across it in August after visiting several other churches in New Orleans) I met a really sweet girl who introduced herself and seemed genuinely happy to see us there. Deborah. Come to find out, she also works at the hospital where I work and helps lead a women's Bible study for 20-30 year olds. She invited me to come to the Bible study group, but at first I kinda brushed her off. Ok brush off is too harsh; I just didn't really take her invitation seriously and I completely forgot about it to be honest, because Bible studies have never really been my thing.

I've done my fair share of Bible studies (or at least tried to) mostly during college. I hated them. God help me but they were absolutely some of the most tedious, uncomfortable things I've ever done. When it reached the point where I was dreading the evenings I was supposed to go, I knew I wasn't probably getting out of those things what I should, so yes, I usually just sort of slowly stopped going. Call it an unfair generalization if you want, but I found the girls who lead those things to be sooooooooo fake! And I hate fake. They were always so insincere and fake and believe it or not, downright catty sometimes. Oh and, did I mention they were fake? They acted like they were so perfect and holy and as though doing this Bible study somehow made them better than others. They were super "cliquey" and exclusive and just...not super pleasant people a lot of the time.

Needless to say, the second time Deborah invited me to her Bible study here, it was with great hesitation that I agreed to come. Truthfully the only reason I went is because I've found that once you're out of school and in a brand new city where you know no one, its really hard to meet new friends sometimes! Especially when the majority of the people you work with are men over the age of 50.

I've been going to this study every Tuesday for the past month or so now and oh my goodness, I can not tell you how much I enjoy it. These girls (young women) are amazing! (And that's coming from someone who has never had very many girl friends because I find females as a group downright impossible to be around most of the time). I've never been around a group of women who are so real. These girls are sincere and open-minded and for the most part, brutally honest about themselves and with each other. There seems to be an unspoken rule that no one will in any way judge anyone else so in turn, everyone feels comfortable opening up and being truthful. We don't all sit around for an hour and pretend that we've got things all figured out or that we're perfect and holy and that God loves us better because we're doing this. These girls recognize that in fact they're not at all perfect and never will be. We all readily admit we don't fully understand everything in the Bible; we sometimes question God, or what we feel God is leading us to do. Sometimes we feel lost; sometimes we do things even when we know we shouldn't, and sometimes even when we try our best to do what we think is right, we still come up short. And what I'm starting to see the more I talk with these girls, is that that's ok.

By Christianity's, and even secular society's standards, this group of girls is far from perfect. But they're super, super real and in my opinion, downright amazing women. There are teachers and lawyers and a physical therapist. There are single women, married women, girls who are dating and living with their boyfriends and one divorcee. Some of them drink, some of them have very "checkered"pasts, and some are in marriages that are struggling.

Through them I'm seeing that I don't always have to be perfect. I don't always have to be right. I don't always have to know the best thing to do for every single situation. God knows I'm not and never will be able to do all those things and He doesn't even expect me to. People are, by definition, imperfect creatures. I'm learning that I'm going to mess up and I'm going to come up short sometimes and I'm going to be confused and angry and often times completely lost. But the beauty of it is, God already knows that and loves me anyway. I get to wake up every single morning and have a brand new chance to do the best that I can, and if at the end of the day I've made some mistakes; so what?

I'm Back

2010-01-05T08:42:00.002-06:00

Hello all! I apologize for my extended absence but between a trip home to Kentucky for Christmas and ringing in the New Year back in NOLA, I haven't been inclined to write much lately. Actually, lets be honest here; I just got fat and lazy while I was home and am just now getting motivated to get back in the blogging saddle.

Christmas was really good. We were able to go home to Kentucky for almost a whole week, which was wonderful. We saw my family, Zack's family, and a few of our old friends in Lexington as well and one of the best parts was that we were able to go to Calvary (our church in Lexington) on Sunday after Christmas. Man. I miss that place.

I actually worked the week between Christmas and New Year's Day while Zack went to Florida for a wedding so we had to hightail it back down to NOLA pretty quick. All in all though, it was a pretty darn good holiday season. Happy 2010!

What's Your Favorite Color, Baby?

2009-12-22T08:40:00.005-06:00

BLUE & WHITE!!!!!!

Letter

2009-12-21T11:47:00.002-06:00

Dear Grouchy, Disgruntled and Otherwise Unpleasant People Who Call Me at Work,

Let me start off by thanking you for calling me each day and not only wasting my time with your endless barrage of inane questions (most of which a small child could probably answer for you), but also for reminding me just how lucky I truly am to have, as they say, the sense that God gave a goat. I mean it. Each time you call I say a little prayer of gratitude that up to this point in my life I have managed not to make a fool of myself by asking such idiotic questions or treating another human being the way that you treat me.

That said, I realize that "Hospital Administrator" sounds an awful lot like "Medical Doctor" and can see how you would get those two terms confused. I understand that when you're upset the most logical thing to do is to call the first Hospital number you can find in the phone book and start yelling at whoever is lucky enough to answer the phone. This makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, why wouldn't everyone in the hospital be thoroughly familiar with your particular story and set of circumstances and able to give you exactly what you want?

I'm writing you this letter today with the hope that I can clear a few things up for you because I know how confusing everything in the medical world in general, can be. First things first, as crazy as this is, I can't write a prescription for you. I know, I know...the injustice of it all! You're preaching to the choir, baby. But I can't do it. For some silly reason the powers that be have decided not to award prescription writing privileges to anyone who doesn't have an M.D. after their name. Self-righteous exclusivists. But they make the rules and if you call and ask me to write you a Rx I will have to politely say "No." If you call back and ask again I will still say, "No," only slightly less politely because, haven't we been over this already? Now the third time you call and ask you're going to start irritating me a bit and if you're bold enough to try a fourth time...well, I don't recommend trying that fourth time. As my mom would say, "Do NOT make me tell you this again."

Next let's talk about money. Yes, I realize that I work for the CFO and yes, I realize that the "F" in that stands for Financial and in your mind, Financial = all things money. Certainly things would be much simpler if that were the case but unfortunately, here at the hospital we like to do things a little less straightforward. We have an entire Finance Department here! Crazy, huh? And on top of that, we have a whole other department that handles Patient Billing! And here's the kicker; not only are neither of those departments located in my office, one of them isn't even located in this state! You know what that means? When you call and demand that I let you talk to the CFO because you don't think you should have to pay your bill, my hands are tied. I know this is a tough one to wrap your brain around but the CFO does not actually handle any individual patient accounts. If I let you talk to him he wouldn't be able to answer your questions. Trust me on this. When I tell you you really need to call the Billing Department, I say it with all the love in the world and your best interests in mind.

(As a side note, when you do finally figure out the magical formula for absolving yourself of all financial responsibility and for getting out of paying for anything just because you don't want to, let me know. I've got a student loan that by golly, I ought not to have to pay for)!

The last thing I'd like to bring up hits a little closer to home for me. It really offends me when you call and ask me the same question over and over again and imply that you don't believe what I am telling you. Why do you call if you're not going to trust what I say? Ask yourself this; what motive would I possibly have for lying to you? You don't even believe me when I tell you things that are public information and that you could easily verify if you took fourteen seconds to look at our website. If I don't know the answer to your question I will tell you I don't know the answer and promptly set about trying to find it. But if I tell you I know something then don't question that! It hurts my feelings and makes me less inclined to be friendly to you.

In closing, I would just like to reiterate how much I appreciate our relationship and how I so look forward to your calls each day. If you should have any questions about the things we've discussed today, please feel free to give me a call (God knows you have my number).

Hugs and Kisses,
Lauren

P.S. I don't care if your uncle's cousin's boyfriend said it's ok; I can't give out patient records either. Sorry.

Weekend Update

2009-12-21T10:43:00.002-06:00

First and foremost, Finals are over. Thank goodness. Hallelujah, Amen. Thank you sweet baby Jesus for getting us through them. (And I didn't even have to take any). But seriously, I'm only slightly less excited to have them over than all the law school kids who actually had to take the things. If I had to go through one more study guide that I didn't understand a word of, I was seriously going to start looking for a very tall building...for realsies. I don't think there are awards for such things but if there were, I would definitely expect to be nominated for providing the best study snacks over that two week period. I also put myself on unofficial suicide watch during that time which thankfully, proved unnecessary.

Friday night, just as I was sitting down to watch the greatest movie ever made (don't even act like you don't know I'm talking about Gone With the Wind) my sister called to announce that SHE GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's right, her boyfriend of seven years proposed Friday night so we've got another wedding in the near future!!! I'm so excited for them. And I can't wait to get home for Christmas now to see the rock.

Saturday morning I did what is maybe the girliest thing I could have possibly done and went to a high tea party at my friend Ashley's house. I had never been to a high tea before. In fact, I haven't been to a tea party period since I was maybe four. I had no idea what to expect but it was so much fun! She's definitely very creative when it comes to throwing parties--I'm jealous actually. She's constantly coming up with really cute ideas like that. Having never been to a high tea I made and took the only thing I was positively sure even went with tea; scones. I did blueberry-lemon and (in the spirit of the season) gingerbread. Never made scones before but I'm gonna go ahead and say I rocked these.

Sunday was church and then I spent the afternoon braving the crowds to finish the last of my Christmas shopping. Seriously, everyone and their brother was at the mall yesterday, I'm pretty sure. The good news is, I finished and more importantly, I made it out of there with all of my limbs intact and without having a nervous breakdown. I'd call it a successful mission.

Now that I think about it, I'm not really sure anyone cares all that much about what I did this weekend. Maybe I shouldn't have spent the past fifteen minutes typing all this up but well, on the off chance someone was curious about what I've been up to, now you know. You're welcome.